I am so done
I’m falling, I’m sinning, and I’m scared as crap to repent
because it means facing my sins and making the same promise I keep making and I don’t know why i cant keep my promise to my Heavenly Father
I always plan on killing myself, on hurting myself, and i just want the pain to go away
I just want everything to be okay, just for one day so I can figure out how I can get everything under control in my life.
The only good thing in my life right now is my wonderful girlfriend.
But when my own family is calling me ugly, stupid, fat, etc etc, I just cant
I want to be an angst teenager that cant face my own inner demons but I know that I have to
I know that I need to repent and I know that everything will be alright with faith and time and all that
I just…want it all to end
I’ve attempted in the past and have hurt myself loads of times.
I dont even know what to do anymore. Screw counselors, screw medication
I need a permanent solution to my problems, and I dont even know what that is. Suicide? thats a last resort
Self harm? I promised my girlfriend I wouldnt
So what else is there??
I just want to scream and slam the walls with my fists (which is very helpful in situations where you might end up killing yourself, gets all the anger out)
I want to breakdown in the middle of class when my classmates make fun of me or my teacher calls me out again on whatever it is that time.
This is the only place I can rant so i’m sorry if i’m not very specific
I’m not looking for help
I’m beyond help I believe
I stopped seeking it a long time ago i think
I guess I just gave up on me ever finding an answer to all my pain, all my constant pain, every waking moment, and the nightmares i almost had to go to the hospital for because I couldnt breathe when i woke up. every night a new nightmare i cant ever hardly remember. I just wake up in a cold sweat, or hyperventilating
Guess I belong in an insane asylum. My dad was right for once