I am over fifty and instead of getting wiser in the past few years I have instead pretty much ruined everything with my stupid behavior as well as this damned depression that never really goes away. For at least twenty years I have really wondered why I should keep on existing, but on the other hand, I am not brave enough to “do something rash.” That is another failing, wanting to die but afraid to bite a bullet or jump in front of a train. And I am even worried about what people would think of me for doing something like that. So I keep on existing. The meds take the edge off, but it never really gets better, it only stays more or less bearable.
I have read some of the posts on this site and I know there are many people who feel like I do, that we are just existing, but we are afraid to finish ourselves off, for various reasons. And then I really get down on myself because I don’t really have any serious problems. I am not physically ill or disabled. And because I see so many people who are really disabled or who are in constant physical pain, crippled, etc., I feel even worse about myself because I do not have the right to be depressed. After my affair of three years ago, my wife and I reconciled and life goes on, as does marriage, but I feel terrible for what I did to her and to the one with whom I had the affair. Both of them were lied to by me. And still I can’t bring myself to just get it over with, life I mean.
Well, that is my life in a nutshell. For those of you who really do have serious problems I offer you my sympathy, and I hope you will forgive me for posting my relatively minor situation when so many are suffering worse than me.
6 comments
OK, take this with a grain of salt because I’ve been drinking with the intent of taking myself out.
Who cares what people will think if you commit suicide? If you’re dead, they won’t be able to do anything to you. Their opinions don’t really matter anyway. You come first when we are talking about your life.
Don’t adhere to the “others have it worse” logic. It’s broken, and it doesn’t matter. Those are their problems, and they also need a solution, just like you do. Having the right to be depressed has nothing to do with it. No one likes to be depressed.
I’m not sure about your affair issue. If she genuinely forgave you, then that’s that. You should have been able to tell if it was genuine by now. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and move on. Treat your relationship with the care and trust that it deserves. Make it clear through your actions and choices (show, don’t tell) that you are invested in your marriage.
Disclaimer: I don’t encourage that anyone “do something rash”. You better have spent a lot of damn time thinking about whether it is the right thing to do. The choice is final. Don’t make a mistake.
Yes, meds don’t really seem to help my thoughts, but rather, they curb the constant freaking out for me. I don’t want to live anymore, but I’m also too “tranquil” to do anything rash. If I had an off switch or a self-destruct button, I’d use it. Unfortunately, that’s just not the case. Life goes on, and all that I do is exist. It’s not low self-esteem, but I’m really just not that important or valuable to the world. Humanity would be totally fine without me, and yet, I have to exist without purpose. I can’t even fake a purpose like many successful people.
Another thing is that I just can’t be optimistic or happy. I can be entertained, but not happy, if that makes sense. Really, entertainment just seems like a distraction from my thinking about this lack of purpose. I thought that relationships would help, but it seems like they made matters worse. I was juggling so many fake friends that I got tired and couldn’t handle it anymore. I can’t really share this misery because no one wants to let it sink into their souls, and there really is no point in discussing how I think and feel unless someone offers me that magical off switch or self-destruct button. Until then, I just keep on existing, only to be forgotten in time.
That is what the meds do for me too. The edge is off, and I do not freak out, but depression is still there, and lack of purpose is the feeling I have most of the time. Yes, there are moments of happiness, but it is a distraction only, like you said. I have noticed that now I do not have “friends” per se around me, but only acquaintances except for my wife. I also feel like you that I will just be forgotten. And it does not matter, really.
I assume you guys are referring to SSRIs or some other antidepressants. How well does that stuff work? Is it as good as alcohol? Does it ever get less effective?
Numbing that dull, aching pain is really what I want. Alcohol is a pretty damn expensive way to do that. I don’t care about being happy. I’ve forgotten what that feels like anyway. I’d like to be able to function enough to meet certain goals and not feel desperate to get out.
Yes, DeathFF, I take an SSRI. I do not want to take it but I know I am more tranquil when I take it and it really does take the edge off. I also take an anti-panic medication. I have been on the same does of my SSRI for over three years and it seems to work about as well as ever. I think any stronger would zombify me. My spouse notices immediately when I stop taking the meds. She says I am angrier and very tense when I am off, and that is something she can’t forgive. She insists that she will leave if I get off my meds. Yes, she forgave me for the affair and that is truly behind us, but I still regret so much having done it.
Anyway, I think meds would be cheaper than alcohol because one pill lasts twenty four hours for me. A six pick would be several dollars for just a little temporary relief.
@DeathFinalFrontier
I believe that exercise can help, but I find it kind of sad to enjoy living because of exercise. I don’t do drugs, so I really can’t compare antidepressants to those, and besides, I thought that alcohol was the cheapest medicine.