i ate a fortune cookie. the fortune read,
‘if you would have managed your plans properly, it would not have caused chaos.’
ironic, right? as, it hits pretty close to home.
kind of ruined my family a bit and I can’t seem to stop… I don’t want to hurt anyone but I told my mom that I wanted her to apologize sincerely for not being there to support me whenever I went through disciplinary trouble, and that I can’t move on until she does. Long story. Anyway, since the incident happened yesterday it feels like time doesn’t exist. There’s no future, barely any past, but everything is the present. I cut myself 20 times yesterday and I’ve been steadily taking painkillers since 3. I don’t even take pills. I don’t think I’m going to end up going “too far” but I’ve already taken more pills than I kept track of. I think it’s around 10 or so of hydrocodon or something. I just really need someone to talk to.
I’m failing highschool. I know that doesn’t seem like a huge deal but I’m supposed to be ‘the smart one’ in my family. I hate to say it, but most of my family are the typical ignorant, closed-minded people who just follow the crowd instead of researching a topic to make an informed decision. I will be the first person in generations to have completed high school. The pressure is immense. Everyday it’s in the back of my mind. “I wonder how many sleeping pills i have to take? Would gulping an entire bottle of vodka in one go do the trick?” All I hear from my mum is that if I don’t get a good mark in year 12 that my life will be ruined. She doesn’t care what I want. She doesn’t care that it feels impossible for me to concentrate on school when there is death and bloodshed all around us. People are killing eachother. People are destroying the planet. I love science, but how can I study quantum mechanics when humanity can’t even feed everyone?
this has been the most emotionally exhausting day of my entire godforsaken existence. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I’m just crying and crying. I’ve got the absolute worst headache from having 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of crying. This just fucking sucks ass.
I had to call my mother and tell her I’m self-harming. She says she thought I was the one thing she got right in her life, but apparently I’m not. So, great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I have ruined my mother’s life and all this without her even knowing I’m suicidal. she asked why I would even tell her if there wasn’t anything I wanted her to do and since as far as she knows this phone call was my idea, I said what the counselor said, which is just that as a mother it was the kind of thing she would want to know.
She is so disappointed in me. I can hear it in her voice. I ruin everything. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
It’s been a while. Things were going alright. Had a lot saved up. Then everything went to shit all at once. So as people who have read my posts in the past know, my life was almost… good. After years and years of torment, struggling and finding inner strength I didn’t know I had.
Story time. My ex (not my ex fiance), who will remain unnamed, ran into me at college along with her husband and her kid. They were excited to see me as we had remained good friends, and hadn’t seen each other in quite a few years. I was invited to their apartment where I was suckered into a drinking game. I ended up passing out. Nothing happened. No puking on the floors, no fights. I just passed out. The assholes decided to get rid of me by calling a hospital. Their own words- they knew I was fine, they just wanted rid of me despite being the ones convincing me to drink. Long story short, I lost months of hard earned savings in one night. I still owe more than $3k of the hospital bill I had no choice but to receive due to our broken system. They effectively ruined my life.
Shortly after- very shortly after- my new and very expensive phone was stolen, and some glitch is preventing its data from being wiped. So I’m down my phone. The very next day my car breaks down and I’m forced to drop out of college. Now I’m not useful to my room mate and he’s talking about kicking me out on the streets again now that I can’t give him rides. My family couldn’t care less. My friends couldn’t care less. I’ve learned that the most important bonds to me that I’ve had for years were nothing but jokes. I was used, and I was the man everybody turned to when they needed me- yet they took it beyond just taken, they deliberately ruined my life for the fun of it. After YEARS of rebuilding my life, my family and my sanity. I can’t believe the amount of empathy I’m capable of feeling. I can’t hate them no matter how much I want to. I’ve changed too much for that. In the past my hate would fuel me, and my hate is what drove me to prove everybody wrong, to continue living and to actually amount to something. Ironically it made me a good person, the one I am now. The one that no longer has the strength to recover.
I’m back to wanting to die and be done with it all. One of my best friends cut me off for no reason at all. It’s not some stupid ego speaking, I legitimately did nothing wrong to him at all. He just cut me off on a whim. I’m not only back to being alone, but back to being broke, and this time with no job, car, phone, home, or any way to better myself, as I can’t recover without those prerequisites. I already smell like shit. My clothes were stolen by a friend’s sister and her vile boyfriend. I don’t know what to do and I just want out. Soooo bad, and I may actually do it this time. Did I mention I was diagnosed with leukocytosis as well? My white blood cell count is now off the charts, and my red blood cell count is next to nonexistent. It’s known as a prelude to cancer, which runs in my family. You’d think at 22 years old I wouldn’t have it this bad. Anyway, peace out. I’m done bitching. Have a selfie.
Idk if this is the way I have always been or that this is the way I have become. I have so little to offer the world, so little skill or ability which in many ways makes me a worthless loser.
that wouldn’t be bad if I wasn’t such a monster inside. As the feeling of helplessness build coupled with lack of connection, and on top of that people acting towards me like I’m some sort of a freak, it created/encouraged the monster within.
It was the copping mechanism which has further ruined my life. As the problems were put off to a later age, the monster grew and dug my hole deeper.
my family members say they care about me, but were they there!!!??? Did they help the monster not to be build? Or did they just put more pressure on my emotional distance??
:'(. I feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’m too helpless and crushed by everything in life to fix things now
I just found this website and saw that many people write on here and I decided to do the same. Unlike most of you guys here, I’m a freshman, in high school. When I was small I was born with a defect to my eyes and I realized that this little boy in second grade? was an asshole to me. I also realized that one of my teacher I thought was one of my best teachers also treated me unfairly. In fifth grade, my classmates would always call me ugly and some talked about my eyes. They didn’t really bully me but yea. In seventh grade, my pe teacher really pushed me. I lost a lot of weight. I felt a little bit more confident. Until this little boy who walked in the same direction I did , called me ugly. And another problem started in seventh grade( problem 2)that made the boys hate me. I don’t really want to say it but it ruined everything. I also had family problems. It was hard for me. My grades dropped. Downnn.In eight grade I became a little more girly and gained a little weigh(still under 100 pounds though). That year sucked too. So freshman year came and I was hoping the problem that ruined two years of my life would disappear. It didn’t. Although my weird eye became more normal so theres a problem that disappeared.I started wearing makeup and attracted some guys attention. But when they found out I had the problem (problem 2) they looked at me in disgust. My priest dissed my twice bc he found out too. Nowadays I just feel so tired and I cry all the time. I think of killing my self so I can be released from this. It probably sounds like nothing and it probably sounds like I’m weak but I’m not really going into detail so. Walking around school, going to my classes. I have to run out the door right when the bell rings just so I don’t have to run into that much people. Its hard. Theres also a girl next to me who is having problems with her father. I guess that why she hates on everyone and when I present or when I leave and come back her and the girls behind me always laugh. But whatever rite. I always imagine what would happen if I killed myself. I just lay in bed and cry.
In my final breaths:
I’ll exhale my sins,
and the promises I broke.
I won’t inhale them back in.
I used to call you papa,
and you’d guide me to school
so that I could read on the way.
You taught me to swim
by throwing me into the deep end
and I kicked and fought until I could.
You taught me to live
by throwing me into the deep end
but this time, I let myself drown.
that you see her in my eyes
that you hear her when I cry,
and for shoving you that one time,
but you told me you’d leave again
and I thought you meant it that time.
I was scared,
I’m still scared.
I wish you were here
to scream some sense into me.
for not withering away
in your womb.
I’m sorry that
you couldn’t love me
when you held me.
I’m sorry for making you sicker,
for crying at night and keeping you up.
I’m sorry for not stopping you;
I should have stopped you.
I’m sorry for not fully forgiving you,
believe me, I’m trying.
for the scratches I left on your back,
I wanted you to remember me
for longer than a night.
I’m sorry for loving you
and I’m sorry you love me back.
You were my the host
I was your parasite.
for hurting you
and for not detaching my talons
from your flesh
that i ruined all the plans you had.
You were full of promise
and I broke each and every one.
I’m sorry you grew up to become me
you deserved better than that.
I’d take it all back if I could.
I”m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’msorry. osrry. imsor ry
Where? Where was God when the bastard my brothers call ‘dad’ was hurting me? Where was he when my brother’s hand was getting burned? When Mom was beating the shit out of me? When they took me from my brothers? When my best friend and Dad were dying? I don’t fucking know. I wish i did but I don’t. I wish I believed in him everyday. I wish Mom loved me. I wish I didn’t have these thoughts in my head. I wish so many things I can’t have. But most importantly… I wish i was dead, that i never existed. That Mom would have had a miscarriage so that I wouldn’t have ruined her life. I wish I had the courage to actually do it…someday I will. I just hope that someday is soon.
I was first diagnosed with depression over 20 years ago. Life has been up and down since then. I’ve had some fun, but I’ve often felt isolated and alone. I’ve had social anxiety that has made making friends difficult. After college I married the first the first person who showed an interest, which was a bad idea. She turned out to be abusive and had her own mental health issues. Eventually she moved out and we divorced.
After that relationship, I eventually met someone else who is kind, but unable to hold down a job. My life has been going down hill since the relationship began four years ago. She has her own mental and physical health issues, and trying to support her has ruined my physical, mental, and financial health. I’m overwhelmed at work and I barely sleep. I don’t have the energy or even the motivation to eat right or exercise or get out. I don’t have any real friends to open up to, and I feel really isolated.
Despite the years of depression, I hadn’t ever really been suicidal until the last few months. Now it’s my all-encompassing focus whenever I’m not actively doing something else. I don’t see a future for me; there’s nothing I want to do or achieve; there’s nothing I’m excited about now or in future. I feel like I’m just on the edge waiting for the next thing to go wrong to push me over.
Life was starting to be fine for me after a while. Then I meet you and feel in love. Life was really looking up.
Then we started having problems. Found out you were a paid escort. Slept with thousands of guys. Found out you had been in the mental ward. Had autism along with some other fine side effects such as depression, bi polar and other things.
I tried to work past all of that even knowing you had been married 5 times before. Sorry to say I did not leave and stay gone when I should have.
No I stayed and absorbed all of your issues. You took everything I had. Family. Friends. My money. My house. Everything.
Now I am broken and cannot bear to keep breathing. You ruined me. I think I lived a pretty full life and have no regrets about leaving it now. Only thing is I just have to figure out the way to go easily.
Either it will be
Private hotel room with sleeping pills a razor and alcohol in a hot bath tub
Have not figured out which yet as I have a couple things to finish before I go.
Good bye penny Anderson. I love you and hope you have that perfect fantasy life you want. Just remember this is your fault. You and the sickness that is you.
My car destroyed, glasses and phone broken, and me bleeding all over the fucking pavement mistaking a concussion and shock for dying.
It was such a relief. Except then I didn’t die. Not even close. And everyone tells me it’s a miracle and all that matters is I’m here. What can you say to that? “I feel so lucky and grateful for your care. You mean everything to me. And yet, somehow despite all of that I continue to actively seek and desire death, even knowing how much it will hurt you.”
I haven’t tried to kill myself in eight years because the last time ruined everything and damaged all the people I was trying to protect. Guilt has kept me going, but hasn’t made me any less selfish.
This should have been it; I’m so ready to quit this pity party.
bonsoir. i haven’t done much on this site since june, except for maybe an unhelpful comment here or there.
some backstory of what i’ve been doing since june: i lost all of my friends (they were extremely immature and ruined my grades, so, yay), reunited with an old friend (who isn’t immature), and now i’m doing okay. i have good grades now. also, i’m really serious now which kind of makes me hate myself, sometimes.
compared to other kids my own age, this is weird. whenever i talk to girls my age i feel like a pedophile because they seem so young & immature. luckily, my friends are older and have more in common with me.
anyways, is anyone still active here? the last few times i was here there was basically no activity.
edit: i cleaned up my posts and encourage you to take a journy through my rants (i admit some of my posts were actually kind of good). start from the bottom to see a weird story by the end (weird as in they went from happy one day to suicidal the next) <3
I hate myself.
I think I’m falling in love with a very close friend, who doesn’t love me back, naturally. But she doesn’t know it.
At the same time, I’ve been sort of in love with my best friend, who, of course, doesn’t love me back in that way. But she doesn’t know it either. She is in love with a guy who also is in love with her. But he’s an idiot.
Still, he knows… I’ve never talked to him ever, but somehow he knew instantly that I’m in love with the 2 other girls I mentioned. I don’t know how. He just knew it immediately by looking. The 2 girls didn’t believe him; they said that’s the way I treat them normally. I’m glad they don’t know it, because everything would be ruined.
I hate myself for loving people who don’t love me back the same way I do.
I don’t know, I need someone.
You could have it all, my empire of dirt,
I will let you down, I will make you hurt,
If I could start again, a million miles away,
I would keep myself, I would find a way.
The only way to love me is to never, ever know me.
If I only knew what to say, someone would actually listen.
If I only cared enough to try, someone would be here with me.
If I only fought harder, maybe I wouldn’t be this.
But everyone gives up eventually, and I guess I gave up a long time ago.
It’s too late for me now.
It’s time to become someone else.
And when I’ve ruined that too, I’ll start again somewhere else, as someone else.
It won’t stop until I strip away every last trace of me as I am.
Maybe one day I’ll be better.
Still feeling sick. Sick like slow, tired, dizzy, nauseous… This awful headache. No appetite. Intense amounts of sleep. Going through benzo withdrawal as an unintended side effect of overdosing and the hospital prescribed hydroxyzine to help with anxiety and withdrawal symptoms. The hydroxyzine makes me tired and blank cognitively but I kind of like it because it’s better than being alone with my thoughts.
I haven’t told my family anything. We are the type of family where this sort of thing is swept under the rug and considered a weakness. I had my friend check me out of the hospital which I know was unfair on her. That phone call probably ruined our friendship. To make things worse, I haven’t showed up to work in a week and I’m pretty sure I’ll be fired when I show up. My healthcare is through them so I don’t know what to do. All I want to do is disappear. To go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I could start over. There is nothing left for me here.