Everything is falling apart.
I thought that things would change- this was supposed to be the best time of my life. This was supposed to be the time that, years from now, I look to and remember memories of joy, and happiness.
But it’s really not turning out like that.
To achieve this one goal of my life, I let go of many other things. I thought that, after getting to this goal, everything would fall into place. But in fact, the situation just got worse. After what seemed like the happiest day in a long time, every. single. thing. went downhill.
I used to maintain a sense of optimism- that even if the situation got rough, things would get better soon ahead. No matter what happened, no matter how many problems started piling up, I just thought, “no, it’ll get better.”
But when will things get better? When will I stop having to fool myself into thinking things will actually turn out positive? Because right now it just seems that everything is going down the drain. Literally, every, single, aspect of my life.
I’m only human. I’m all alone, each battle I face, I face alone and only with my two hands. I’ve tried turning to others for support, no one listens. I know that I am not important to others and I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, which is why I’ve kept most of my issues to myself.
But in reality, I just want help.
I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me I’ll be okay. I thought I could do it, but I really can’t face everything alone. I really can’t.
But I am alone.
Theres only so much I can take, and its like the world just wants to see me crumble. I used to think I was strong, and I used to think I was capable of dealing with the world. But I never realized how fragile I really am. All these problems just lead me to crumble and shiver in a corner of my room, and I feel myself growing weaker and weaker with every second.
I just want it all to end.
Please, when will this madness stop?
I’m only human.
2 comments
Hi, Noname. I empathize with much of the angst in your post. I don’t have any wisdom to share, but I want you to know at least I understand what you mean. I’m sure others do, too. I want someone to help me face life, too. And I have consistently NOT found such another. Like you’ve said, I have to face every challenge alone–me and my two hands, like you. And I get it–we’re not supposed to talk about this. You’re right–no one cares. They perceive us to be a burden if we don’t exhibit the strength they admire. The professionals tell us to open up and seek help, but even the professionals get sick of us if we don’t get better quickly (and thereby confirm their professional validity). And everyone else eventually has to shrug us off, to use their common expression, so we don’t drag them down with us. So we have to live these lives of second-by-second lies just so the already insufficient companionship we have isn’t utterly stripped away from us. We have to lie, pretend to be up-beat, joke, talk about trivia brightly, appear together because despite what they say, they do NOT want to know. They’d throw us away more quickly than they would used toilet paper if they had a clear enough idea of what we’re experiencing.
When I was a freshman in college my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I’d never opened up to others before. A therapist encouraged me to be respectfully honest with my friends about what I was going through and what I needed. To a one, every single friend vanished. One, my best friend, even started crying and yelling at me when she found out, as she told me to get professional help, that she was dealing with her own problems. And I had only mentioned things nonchalantly at her insistence. Imagine if I’d been honest about how scared and alone I felt. Since then, every single time I’ve ever been honest with another about what I’m dealing with, no matter how mutedly I do it, they run away. So from my perspective, you’re right about how alone we are. Either we vanish while we’re suffering, lie when we’re around others, or if we choose to be honest, prepare for alienation, or worse, institutionalization. From experience, that last is among life’s great horrors.
I wish I had answers, but you are not alone.
Thank you. Thank you for being someone who understands- someone who realizes the true struggles behind it all. I am so sorry for the hardships you had to face regarding your mother and your friend. Its so strange how people can claim to always be there for you, but then when you need them the most, they can’t be found. I’m not sure why people think its okay to do that, but unfortunately they do, and it hurts. I hope that soon, you are able to find that person who will stick by your side through thick and thin.