When I started my first post.. I thought it might get easier talking. It just gets harder. My parents absolutely hate me. You may think I exaggerate this but they do. I can never do anything right, my life is just one big fuck up. I don’t deserve to put them through this pain and stress. I don’t deserve anything. I’m a spoiled brat. I have nothing going for me. I just want it to be over, I just want to have a gun in my hand to end all this misery. I wish I had some way just to kill myself. The more I think about it the more happy it sounds to me. Just hanging myself. Having not a care in the world. If this is my last post then i’m already gone.. I’m sorry world, i’m sorry i’m such a big fuck up. I just wanted to make you proud dad..mom.. I love you guys so much, even if I do screw up constantly. I love you grandma, grandpa, even though we’ve had hard times grandpa you’re so special and amazing to me, you too grandma, i love you guys. To my real father, Brian, I understand. I understand everything you’ve done. We all get mixed up in bad things, and when you think things are going to work out, and go your way, everything twists around. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done, I’m so scared, I just wish I could close my eyes and fall asleep and never have to wake up again. That’s all I want. I just want to be happy, to be able to sit on the clouds, and watch the sun. I don’t know what I believe in, and that terrifies me alone. I just want someone, my dad, my mom, anyone, please help me. I am crying and begging in silence for help. I’m so afraid. Death seems like the only option, if this is my farewell, then Chris,(dad), I just want you to know I loved you every moment since you came into my life. I know I’ve been such a hassle and a difficult son but you mean the world to me. Mom, I love you too, you’re so special and you just want the best for me, I just can’t do it anymore. Jake, my brother, I love you so much bubby. I’ve always looked up to you, you’re the reason I always tried so hard in wrestling, you were an inspiration to me, even though you’re always gone now and I miss you so much, I know you love me.. Darian, my other brother, I know life is tough, and people are cruel, I know you’re so talented, and smart, and you’re hard on me but deep down you do love me. I love you too. You’re going to do great things, you too Jake. Chris, I love you, Mom, I love you, Jake, I love you, Darian, I love you. Also, if this does happen to be my farewell, I just want you to know I love you so much Emmy, and you’re so amazing, you’re going to go so far in life, please never give up. Jack, you’ve been the best friend anyone could ever ever ask for , you’ve always been there for me. You too Jeff, I love you guys so much. I’m so scared, but whatever happens is my decision, I don’t wish any of you to be upset. I’ll be so much happier, wherever I do end up after Death, I’m ready for the adventure, whether I go to “Heaven”, or whether I am just in a pit of nothing, just black abyss, It’s my choice. Farewell..
– L.E.D.
12 comments
There a light at the end of the tunnel Logan. No matter how bad things look, they will get better. I encourage you to share the thoughts you have about taking your life with someone close to you and hopefully seek help from someone trained to help you with your depressed mood (such as a school counselor, therapist, or even your family doctor). Your family loves you, and they couldn’t bear to live without you. So fight on Logan! I know you have it in you.
Man, it sounds like you’ve got some good people in your life. Don’t leave them like that. Just keep going no matter what. So many times I thought that was it for me. My parents hated me. My own Father attempted to kill me. My childhood was almost non-existent… It was just shit and now Im an adult trying to find the purpose for every breath that I take. I still haven’t found it. Maybe I never will. But I can tell ya by killing yourself…. What does that solve? Do you want the people you care about, the people that care about you, to have that happen to them? To have deal with you out of they’re life? Whatever you do, don’t do that. Don’t end it. That would be truly fucking up.
People love you. They want you in their life. Your death would destroy them. Don’t do it.
As it’s been said, people have a funny way of showing how much they love others. It’s sad but they don’t treat those they love any better than the ones they hate. People always only act after they’ve lost someone. Then they regret the way they have treated those they love. And there is no exception after when someone dies. Why can’t people learn to care for others while they are alive?
@ilovecats – People are ignorant. For me… It seems I’ve mainly only hurt the people that I love the most… I never meant to do it…. I suppose it’s because I was too caught up on other things in life and then I was feeling so bad about myself that I put it out on others… And without realizing it at that. I suppose that’s why some people do it. Then perhaps some people do it in a sort of twisted version of “tough love”? Maybe they just want them to do better, and feel that’s the way to do it, hoping it’ll make them stronger and unaffected by the BS of the world… Or maybe some people are overly controlling, and while they do care, they don’t like the path that the one they care about is taking, and so out of frustration they scold the person. A lot of people have to lose someone in order to understand the importance of them. People take things for granted and don’t realize how they effect others lives until the effect has already happened to a point where it’s just too late, which then they see the result of their actions…. I donno. It sucks.
I think it is as simple as people don’t know what they’re doing. lol.
Like how parents are supposed to know, or KNOW how to raise and take care of a child. We are all like cooks. Sprinkle this here see what happens, cut that to make it look appealing, insert, mix, heat.
We are trying out things to see what works. But no one has the answer.
Yeah, exactly. lol My mother was a drug addict, and my father is a horrible alcoholic lol and that’s what I grew from. Then I looked at the rest of the world, and then myself… And im like… ok nobody has any idea what the hell they’re doing…. The most we can do is try to learn from whats been done and try not to mess up.
Its funny cause everything is just starting to click, and sometimes I feel its just too late, but then i remember being homeless as a kid and all the shit I seen and dealt with and Im like alright whatever… That couldnt have been for nothing… life dont make sense all the time, and sure it took me awhile to get that, but Im still here and at the very least, If I cant find my own happiness then I can be a lesson to someone else and hopefully a step towards an answer…. Maybe somehow I can help somebody… And that… that makes me somewhat happy.
It may not be too late for you. You may have a great future. It sounds like you may be have an idea of a new purpose for yourself.
Well thank you… And yeah maybe. I mean Ive always wanted to help people and I do when I see the chance, but I guess I never really made it a thing to pursue…. Or I guess I just lost touch with that side of me somewhere along the way. Finding this site kind of reminded me of it though…. And I guess someone that loves cats got me to think about it, so right on. lol
And I like to believe that its never too late, cuz well…. Lifes funny that way… Like things can go from great to horrible, without notice, but then it can go from horrible to awesome too.. You just never know unless you stick around for the ride.
This site just pointed out to me how many people are hurting, and that doesn’t feel right to me. People shouldn’t feel like this.