Hi guys, I haven’t written anything on here for a long time, mainly because there was some idiot ruining it but hopefully he’s gone now.
Does anybody else on here have the fear of being happy?  Like when something good happens, all I can think is “Where is this gonna go wrong?  Something bad is going to happen” all the time!  Nothing good can just happen without something going wrong.  Recently I’ve had a lot to be happy about.  Things like passing my college course, getting a new dog, my football is going extremely well and it looks like I have a girl in my life for the first time since I was 15.  Then I came to the realisation that I may not want to progress to the next course after the summer, the new dog may be a nightmare, I’m too old to play professionally now and I seem to be trying to drive my girl away for some reason.  I’m sorry to bore you guys with this but typing seems to take the temptation away from reaching for the boxes of pills within arms reach.  I realise I will never be happy no matter what happens.  I’m a total waste of space who should die as soon as possible but I can’t because it would destroy my mum, the only person I care about and she would be left alone so as long as she is around, I need to be.  Any British football fans here will know what I mean when I say that I feel like Aston Villa, without Benteke they would be fucked for sure, without my mum I would be fucked for sure.
Jamie
4 comments
Yes, I often feel like that. I posted something similar a few days ago – that I am afraid of loving or liking something or somebody for fear of losing it/him/her…. I am hardly ever happy, but on the rare occasions when I was happy it didn’t last long and after that fake happiness there was emptiness all around.
Same here, have had so many problems stacking on each other; some “chips” are enough to bear, but always comes more and the pressure is too hard to cope with; It´s like you are constanly winning chips worth of only more bad luck in some twisted game of roulette.
So it´s hard and impossible to be happy when ever it comes down to your path, it gets swept away in a heartbeat no matter what. Some people just get too much burden to bear and fall apart – sadly.
After awhile a person becomes very cynical too, so can´t see all the little good things happening around, and always expects and fears the worst case scenario.
On one hand it sounds like your have a self destructive personality.
On the other I agree.
When something bad happens, its bad. When you succeed something bad immediately follows. When you try you fail. The harder you try the worst you fail. The less you try, you still fail.
I am past the point of being un-optimistic because I work on a feedback system. Which is only logical.
No matter how hard I try and no matter what I do, bad shit constantly happens. If there is such as thing as reincarnation people like us must have been murderers in previous lives and are suffering from it.
Black cloud always follows.
If there is such a thing as reincarnation then I’ll come back as me knowing my luck!!!