Would they have laughed?

I’ve been ‘suicidal’ for awhile. I’ve attempted, been hospitalized, and seen counselors. I never told anyone the real reason, deep down. I told enough to convince people but I was afraid to share the real stuff.

Last night I was writing my suicide note when the closest person in my life, unknowingly, helped me. He started throwing these rubber toys at me and it made me laugh. He’s been teaching me how to shoot rubber bands, too.

But after he went home, and I was there all alone, I knew that I was on the very edge. And one little game wouldn’t take me back to that safe place.

For a month now, I asked him to spend father’s day with me, or at least let me DO something nice or just… fun with him. I look up to him a lot, and he really fills in where my dad left a ton of holes. He’s the only one who knows. He says no. And it hurts.

Today my boss, who changed my hours so I barely see him, teased me and said he didn’t miss me. A friend of mine who used to play football with me doesn’t want to be around.

I feel alone. I’ve called the suicide hotline 3 times in the space of a week. I hate myself, and I blame myself for others not wanting to be with me. I push everyone away.

I’m afraid. I’m ready to die.