Sickness, pain and everlasting guilt. Mistakes and terrible decisions made and repeated once more. Memory fails me unsure if  it’s due to anxiety, fear and shutting down or something more sinister.
I’ve pushed everyone away, Â ran away, I miss my friends but after six months of me pushing them away, hiding, ignoring i doubt they want anything to do with me. Who can blame them, im uselss, boring and so withdrawn. And I can’t even admit how terrible I have been.
I have thought about death so much this year. I wanted to end it all so many times. I went to a funeral of a dear old friend who killed himself earlier this year, he was a more then decent human being. All I felt was guilt. I could hardly speak to his family who I have always loved and they me. I could hardly remember all the memories with my friend but could only think of all the times I didn’t go see him before it was to late.
I dont have goals and dreams, and my only hope was to die. But im still here, not much has changed. Except I don’t know who I am anymore or who I was. Im scared of almost everything, a recluse, lonely, haven’t achieved anything. Not talented nor intelligent, and thats being kind. I hardly speak but there is always chatter in my head, constant dred. I’m living a lie and im a terrible liar. Not sure what comes next or how much longer till im no longer.
I use to be a sunflower and now im the colour grey.