Every day I get closer

The love of my life left me six weeks ago. We have been together 7 years, have been best friends for 12 years, and we have 2 daughters. She is my world, my everything. I’ve invested my entire heart and soul into her. I gave up every dream I had to be with her. She was that much to me. When we got together, our love transcended time. Romeo and Juliet was a farce in comparison to us. Our souls were connected, we loved beyond measure. At least that was what I believed. You see, I have always been depressed. I’ve lived with depression and anxiety my entire life. When I was 7, my family lived in a place that forever changed me. I was introduced to sexual perversion at much to young an age. This boy a little older than me started trying to engage in sexual acts with me. I was always really bothered by it, but he coerced me anyway. He evidently learned it from his brother, who was 15 at the time. And then his little sister got involved, along with my younger brother. Then his older brother started messing with me. This frightened me beyond measure, but I felt helpless. One day and the younger boy were caught by some teenagers in the woods. From then on, those boys bullied and beat me and called me a ******. And then they assaulted me one day. Two of them held me down while the other one started trying to sodomize me with a foreign object butI didn’t know what it was. All I know was it hurt so bad. From that day on I never left my house, until we moved. It affected me for years and years. Strangely, I’ve been somewhat attracted to men since then, but always felt a sense of shame about it. I always liked girls before that year. And I’ve always been attracted to women first and foremost. Maybe I’m bi, who knows. I don’t want to be with a man, I just think about it occasionally. I’ve thought about suicide often since that time. But then she came into my life. She changed everything about me. Her light filled my world. She lifted me up to a place I had never been. We connected on every level. We loved the same things. She was going through hell at the time, and I brought her out of it. We made each other whole. And this was all before we even fell in love with each other. And then we did. She professed her love to me first. And that moment changed my life forever. Because I felt the same. Problem was, she was married at the time with her first child (one of my daughters is my stepdaughter). The man she was with was a shitty provider, who spent most of his time partying and neglecting his family. She didn’t want to leave him for her daughters sake.we had an emotional affair for a few months, but I couldn’t take it anymore, and I left her. It destroyed me. Two years later, she showed up at my door. The rest was history, as they say. We got together, she finished college and we got married and had a child. We were living the American dream. Two great careers, plenty of money, we did what we wanted, when we wanted. Now somewhere along the way, we changed. I don’t know if it was work, family, bills, or the everyday stress of married life.our relationship became toxic. We fought all the time. I started losing interest in her. I was falling back into depression. I always loved her, and never thought we would be apart. But I started losing myself again. And then I would lash out. I just wanted to be alone. One day, I woke up. I realized that I was fucking up. I decided I was going to change. I didn’t want to lose my family, I didn’t want to lose my wife. I started making plans for myself. I scheduled to get myself back in therapy, to see my physician, and doing everything I could to get mentally and physically healthy. And a week later after being proactive in bettering myself, she decided to leave me. I was crushed. I begged her not to go, that we could save it. She cried and said she was done. She felt I had suffocated her for too long. I stayed in our home for 2 weeks. She she made out with me in that time, made love to me, I even had her consider marriage counseling. But the she went cold on me. And from that point on, all I can think about is dying. I’ve put a 38 in my mouth more time than I can count. I tried hanging myself one night and was nearly successful. I did partial suspension. I passed out. I saw a bright white light. But for some reason, I found myself standing up, completely dazed with the rope still constricted my neck like a python. I frantically got it loose, fell to my knees and sobbed myself to sleep. I can barely function right now. I’ve lost 30 pounds and can’t find the strength to move on. My life has become utter hell. I love her so much I can’t live without her. I praying to get out of this. I’m praying she finds a way to see through it and work it out. I know she loved me with everything, I just don’t understand. I’m not going to last this way.