I don’t want to do this anymore.

I’ve had mental health problems since I was around 10 or 11 and I’m 22 now and frankly, I’m just getting worse and worse. The medical profession have basically written me off as a time waster because of a few failed attempts and because I’ve ended up in a&e from drug and alcohol abuse a fair few times. Although I don’t suppose that really matters because with a condition like mine, the best I’m going to get is “learning to cope”. Like, all I have to hope for is dragging out the time between breakdowns and getting better at talking myself off the metaphorical ledge. I’m never going to have a brain that functions. I’m never going to be able to cope with set backs. I mean jesus, I’ve gone totally off the rails again because my 3 month relationship didn’t work out, and I was doing pretty alright before that.

All I want to do is just go to sleep and not wake up. I kinda hate sleeping for this very reason because I know I’m gonna feel like hell when I actually do wake up.

I don’t have the energy to deal being me anymore. I really don’t. But I’m so tired of being treated like shit by medical professionals that I’m scared to try and kill myself again in case I wake up in a&e with a nurse calling me a time waster again.

If I lived in a country with more relaxed gun laws I’d have blown my brains out by now. I’m looking into the exit bag thing but I’m not having a lot of luck finding pure helium that’s affordable. Overdoses seem too damn scary because I don’t wanna spend a week dying slowly in hospital if I fuck it up, and I’ve tried and failed at slitting my wrists enough times to know that it really doesn’t work for me. I don’t have a car so I can’t CO myself or drive it into a tree, and there’s no high places around here that aren’t patrolled and/or easy to get to if you don’t have a car.

I’m even thinking of weird ways like injecting an air bubble into myself with needles from the needle exchange clinic. I just want to go.