Why I hate and have always hated life. [Long]

I’m the oldest of two girls. My little sister was born a colic baby so she required a lot of attention. The attention didn’t stop even after my sister stopped crying constantly. It still goes on to this day.
I remember absolutely loathing my sister. Not just because she was spoiled, but the fact that she was spoiled rotten. Not to mention she was a kiss ass as well.
Growing up, she would wrap up my toys for birthdays and Christmas and give them to friends and family our ages. My parents thought it was cute that she was being so thoughtful. I didn’t think it was cute when she gave away my Barbie game for the Sega.
When I broke my leg, I was fighting sleep in the hospital (I had no choice though, I had an IV pumping sleepy shit in me). I seen on TV there was a new barbie out and you could color on her dress with crayons and it’ll wash off so it was a never ending canvas! The last thing I said before I passed out was that I wanted that Barbie. I went home from the hospital that night (I think. I just remember waking up at home the next day) and guess who had that Barbie? Yep. My sister. My mom  bought it for me but my sister wanted it so she got it.
We moved from Illinois to Indiana right after I turned 9 years old. My dad has always been a dickhead, but only to my mom until we moved. He was just so angry for whatever reason and he got very, very violent.
I cut myself for the first time in the upstairs bathroom of our new house when I was in 4th grade. For whatever reason, that bathroom was my save haven. I remember locking myself in there and crying, and we were fixing it all up so there was old trim with nails in it so I grabbed one and dug into myself.
When I was 11, I wrote in my diary that I would kill myself on my 12th birthday in front of everyone to show how bad of people they were. My dad was a mentally and physically abusive asshole and my mom was a drunk. She would drink Southern Comfort and get so mad at me that she’d grab me by my hair and slam my head into the wall.
I remember walking with this boy I liked (who later took my virginity) and I was telling him how much I wanted to die, how easy it would be for everyone.

I’m so embarrassed by this but I became “gothic” in middle school. Since I was gothic, you’d think I didn’t have friends. Well, luckily my elementary school friend became “gothic” as well and we met other “gothic” kids. So I had a pretty tight group of friends. But, even to this day, it’s hard to call them friends.
They were and are so mentally abusive, and just last year, they decided to make me the hated one but that’s a different story that doesn’t matter anymore.
I became the outcast to my parents, and while i know this sounds like a movie or something, my sister became a cheerleader.
She was obviously still loved. It hurt when they took a family picture for the team (My parents worked on the team as well) and i wasn’t in it.
My dad absolutely hated me and would often punch or choke me or do things that he knew would hurt me inside instead of out.
My mom sort of still loved me but to an extent. When she seen my cuts, she didn’t do anything about it, she told the school what I was doing and I was kicked out of school until I seen a therapist which she didn’t want to pay for.
Do you remember that app on Myspace years ago where you can write an anonymous message to people?
Well, I got one once (I know it was from my “friends”) that said stuff along the lines of me having a deadbeat dad and a drunk for a mom. Everyone’s lives would be better if I never moved from Chicago. Next time I cut myself I should just cut a little deeper and do everyone a favor.
I know it was my “friends” cause they added stuff only they knew.

In High School, I started dating a guy from my group of friends and I really did love this guy.
A couple of months later, he didn’t just break up with me. He literally went out of his way to hurt me as well. I remember once getting a text from him and I was so excited! Only to open it and see it was a pic of him and this one girl hugging each other super tight with huge smiles. His brother dated a girl that I know she only dated him because she wanted to be with my boyfriend (How I know? She even married a guy that looks just like him!) so he dangled her in front of me as well.
He would invite me over, make me think we were getting back together and then ignore me for days. I would have gotten over him much sooner had he not strung me along like that.

Later, I started dating another guy. He was sort of a rebound to help me get over my ex but I did like this guy. 2 months later he dumped me by sending a 3 page text about how he still loves his ex and he couldn’t sleep the night before because he was thinking about her. I stupidly got back together with him and he would call me and say stuff like “You won’t believe this. In my sleep I picked up my phone, typed in [ex girlfriend]’s number and texted her gibberish.” Yeah, hilarious.. I kicked him to the curb after our 1 year.

The day before my 18th birthday, I was a wreck. I knew that if I didn’t follow every order from my parents, I’d come home from school with my shit on the street. I was so depressed and I cried all day. Well, my stupid, stupid, spoiled ***** sister was 15 and dating a 21 year old which my dad was NOT okay with. My mom didn’t care cause whatever sissy wanted, sissy got.
Well the day before my 18th birthday my sister decided to pick a fight with my dad. My dad’s favorite thing to say while we fought was “If you don’t like it, you can get out.” He said that to my sister, and little did he know that my sister called her boyfriend beforehand and told him to wait outside with her. She likes to play this sob story that my dad kicked her out when she basically ran away. My dad wasn’t done fighting so he came to pick a fight with me. I asked him nicely to just leave me alone, that I wasn’t feeling right but he just kept talking shit until I snapped and started kicking and throwing shit and screaming for him to leave me the fuck alone. He laughed, called me a basket case and left.

I’m 21 now, almost 22, living with my boyfriend of 3 years. I had to get out of my parents house. My mom’s drinking has gotten so fucking bad but my dad is actually nice now which is weird.
My sister and I yell at my mom about her drinking (since my sister is a dumb ***** she just yells at my mom for everything) but I’M the asshole, I’M corrupting my sister, blah blah blah, she hates me and says I’m not lovable.
It’s depressing going to their house now-a-days.
As for my new boyfriend. I thought he was prince charming. Well, don’t get me wrong, he was and still is a very nice guy but he’s selfish and says mean things to me when we fight so I’ll back down from a fight and cry.
He ruined our relationship last year which is too long of a story to get into but either way, he never tried to fix it.
Lately, we’ve been fighting non stop. We can’t talk to each other without fighting.
And about a month ago, the one thing that made me happy just.. left.
My sisters dog has puppies and one was born with a Cleft Palate. Since I work from home, I had the responsibility to take care of him. Well, I took off from my job for a while because he needed constant care. He ended up dying in my arms after a very traumatic morning I had 2 days after he was born. I woke up to his mouth bleeding so I rushed him to the vet and he just stopped breathing.
I was too depressed to work again. But, for extra cash, I started a Mary Kay business which put me negative in the bank.
So I’m a fucking depressed loser. When I try to talk to my boyfriend about it, he calls me ridiculous and laughs at me.

He just told me tonight that I’m not lovable.
I’m going to kill myself today after I leave the courthouse as a witness to my friends marriage.