As the time passes by

I wonder if I’m doing what’s best for me, or whether this decision will cause me more pain. I sit and think if there will ever be a day when I let go of this fear thats weighing me down. I wish for the day when I can love myself truly and be happy with who I am and where I’m at. For the day that I let myself fall hopelessly in love and get married and have kids, for the day when I’m not too afraid to let myself be happy. I wish and I hope for that day when for once my happiness over shadows my sadness and not the other way around. Everyday I try but I have my moments when I break down and cry because its so hard and seems so impossible. I keep going even if I don’t want to and despite the fact that most days all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. I am alone no true friends and when people do care and try to be there I push them away because I get annoyed because I don’t care. And for the most part I’m ok with being alone it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I do still have hope sometimes and it’s just a tiny bit but honestly I don’t believe in what I hope for. In fact I don’t believe in anything I don’t care about most things its kind of like I’m on auto pilot and I just keep trying to move forward because I don’t want to wake up again and realize I wasted time going no where.