There are times in my life where I don’t feel like the girl I normally am. Normally I feel strong, happy and just filled with life. Other times I feel like I am not even real. I feel as though I’m lost, scared and worthless. I have these times at least two or three times a year. I keep everything that upsets me in a box in the back of my mind and never tell anyone. I always feel as though I’m not allowed to share my sad thoughts with others because I shouldn’t have them and people would tell me to stop complaining because I have nothing to complain about. “My life is great” is what I make myself think because its not as hard as others is. I worry so much about everything. I feel like I’m not doing enough with myself and how I’m just kind of here. When I get into my “moods” as I call them I can’t be happy. This goes on for days until I finally break down and sob for hours and don’t know why I do it. I just can’t make myself stop crying and it makes me angry because I can’t pinpoint a reason to be upset. Everything small that upsets me that I never tell anyone just hits me and it makes me upset. I know I have at least two people I can talk to but I don’t like to complain. It makes me feel dumb. I don’t like to cry, it makes me feel weak. Worthlessness is what I feel when I do this. I truly don’t know my self worth.. My mind tells me that I don’t do enough, I’m not good enough and I will never be. My self esteem is through the ground. I don’t see myself as “beautiful” or “confident” or even “okay”. I see every flaw every time I look at myself. I’m highly insecure about my physical and mental state. I’m just typing everything that pops into my head and its very scattered. I’m scared I won’t be able to achieve any goals I have for my job, my future family and I will just be a mess up. I’m not going to let myself believe that I have even an ounce of depression in my life but I know I do. Sometimes I just need to vent which is what I’m doing now. I feel like when I get in a mood I just repeat everything that messed me up the last time I was in a mood. It makes me feel like I have nothing accomplished.
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dear letters i dont know if you already know this but you migth have thyroideal problems i can kind of point that out cause you said that is ciclical and you dont know the real “why you are feeling bad” you ust go to a psychiatrist he must be able to help you btw im not a doctor but i can tell this much its kind of probable that he will prescript you some fluoxetin to increase your seretonin levels its noral to think that you arent even real it happends to me a lot, i hope you get well, dont keep it inside.
yours forever noir
I actually have no idea what is wrong. I want to go get it checked but I don’t want to think I’m insane. And thank you, I’ve been leaning towards going to get myself checked out.
insanity and sanity arent we all insane in our way? do you watch the news? a psychiatrist is just a doctor to our feelings not wanting to go and see one its like not wanting to treat a broken bone, dear letters keep yourself healty, yours is just an hormonal inbalance (at last as i see) there are some people here that have wounds in their souls, thats why you should be happy, not because you are not them be happy for them too.
yours forever noir
Maybe look up depersonalization and dissociation – see if their definitions ring any bells.
It sounds like it’s you bottling up everything that’s getting you down. From what I’ve read, you don’t feel the pain of an issue when it’s there, and then put it to bed – like you said, you put it in a box in the back of your mind for later. And then there are those times when that box gets too full, it splits at the seams and everything just mounts on top of you ’till you feel like you are gonna break. You then start feeling all this pain and you don’t know how to cope so you vent it on yourself and your self esteem takes a real battering.
It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to show that you are hurting to people you trust – no one can be happy all the time, no one can expect you, nor should they expect you, to be a constant ball of sunshine. Humans don’t work like that, we aren’t robots, even if we feel like it sometimes.
I don’t claim to be a therapist, hell, I’m not even out of school – but I’ll tell you this, don’t be so afraid to let anyone in and let anyone see you hurting, because most people want to help, y’know? And if you really don’t wanna do that, get a journal and write everything that is worrying you down, or even write it on here. Open that box up and get it emptied, and make sure it never breaks, deal with the shit as it comes. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but it could be a start for you, I don’t know. I can only try and help you.