Nowhere to Go

I’ve been suffering pretty severe depression for roughly four and a half years now. Throughout this entire battle I’ve had with the snakes in my head, the demons in my personality, nothing has helped. I’ve been on different types of drugs, I’ve seen councilors, I’ve talked to friends and family in a search for hope and understanding – and I always end up back in this state of desperation. It’s reasonably well known that there are suicidal people who don’t actively want to die, they just want the pain to cease. The thing is, I actually want to die. I’ve had on and off feelings of feeling like I’ve deserved it and that I’m just a burden to everyone around me, and I’ve only found more reasons to die since the beginning of all my problems. For most of my time with depression, I’ve been plagued by a very heavy feeling of guilt caused by something I did years ago (which I wont go into now). One of the few things that has helped me get through each day was music – I’m a drummer and vocalist, and I listen to a range of stuff but mainly death metal. My dream for a long time was to play in a band for a living, but even I know how unrealistic that is. Despite this, the most liberated I’ve ever felt is the time I get to practice my vocals at the end of the day. During my education I’ve constantly drooped in marks; I just don’t have the drive, nor the effort to succeed. My issues started in my last year of elementary school, where I would be struggling to suppress my tears as I head to class. The same happens to me now, the only difference being that I’m now in high school, fearing for my future, if there was one in the first place. I was always concidered a good student, but nowadays I’m just so drained and upset that I can’t seem to improve my marks no matter how hard I try. I know that the only person who can make things right for me is myself, but the problem is that I can’t even help myself. I’ve worked hard to try to make things better, I tried so damn hard, but no matter the effort I put in I always end up at the same conclusion – that I am the source of my own problems. I, and only I, am both the source of my problems and the only one who can end them. My personality is wrought with problems that just lead me into even more issues.

I guess I’ve always felt like a failure. Like no matter what I do in this world, it’s never going to be worth anything to anyone. What’s worse is that at the end of the day I always fall back to the same feelings of wanting to just be dead and that nobody can do anything to help me get there. I don’t even have anything to kill myself with – I somehow managed to lose my fucking knife, god damn it. That’s another thing to talk about; I’m extremely incompetent. During my recent work experience in a supermarket I was constantly condescended upon because I was just fucking useless. I’m not worth a thing to anybody, because at the end of the day, if you don’t have a job and don’t add to society you aren’t worth shit to the world. You might as well be dead, because nothing could help you get a job when you’re a pathetic, broken waste of a human being who can’t even look after himself properly. I’ve rarely (if ever) felt loved, because lets be honest, nobody has attraction to someone who can barely pull his own pants up in the morning. I’ve never had many real friends, and I’m too scared to even talk to the ones I trust about my issues anymore because I don’t want to push them away. In the last couple of years I’ve been used pretty badly by people I thought I knew. One of them said they cared, but really didn’t and just used me as an extension to her ego. The other, more recent one, just pushed me away when I was of no more use to her, telling lies to everyone I know in an attempt to change their opinion of me – which actually kind of worked. She said she would be there for me and that she’d help – but everything she said she wasn’t was what came to define her. I just feel so broken. I lack sleep, I crave suicide and now I’ve gotten to the stage where I just need one more reason for me to die, and it’d be enough for me to do anything just to get the fuck out of this existence.

I’m not even sure why I’m posting this. It could be a cry for help, a request for help with suicide – but I think I just needed to get this all out in the open. Take all of this however you want.