Last week I slit my wrists, all the way up my arms, multiple times. Anywhere I saw a vein, I sliced hard and fast. Amazingly it didn’t hurt. Earlier that day I went to the store and bought a brand new kitchen knife, for exactly this purpose.
I’m still alive. I cut myself so badly that I turned my bathtub full of water dark red. I saw the blood spurting out of my veins. I wished for death. Irritatingly, my veins stopped bleeding after only a short time. So I found veins on my legs and ankles to slice up. I’m fair skinned, so finding them is easy. I bled out some more. Thought I should die. But I didn’t even bleed out enough to get dizzy.
When that failed, I crawled into bed. I was staying in a hotel room because I didn’t want any family or friends, or my roommate to find me. An anonymous stranger I thought would be better. Yes, they may have needed some therapy if I had succeeded, but I prayed for forgiveness for any trauma that I would cause them upon finding me. My hope was that I had lost enough, that if I went to bed, I would eventually die of organ failure/blood loss, divine mercy, whatever.
I couldn’t bring myself to cut anymore. My original cuts were beginning to sting, a few hours after they were made, and I had already mutilated my arms to a point where if I wanted to try the slice and dice method again, I would have to go for my throat or the vein in my inner thigh/groin area, or just resort to stabbing. I couldn’t do it.
Before I resorted to slitting my wrists, I tried taking a bunch of anti-anxiety pills that I had left, and suffocating myself with a bag taped over my head. Unfortunately those kind of pills don’t work on me very well, and I kept panicking before I could pass out. I went through like 15 trash bags before I gave up on this method.
After I woke up, arms gashed to hell, I started to panic. I started trying to think of a better way. I resorted to jump off a high parking garage. I even got so far as to scope one out. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to jump, or even get close to jumping. I wasn’t in the same frame of mind. I still wanted to die, but now I was just tired, and defeated by my initial failed attempts.
And I was vain. I want to be pretty still when I die. Not a bloody and broken corpse.
Mayhaps I should explain why I’m in this conundrum in the first place. I just turned 27, and I lost my husband last November. He passed 3 days after his 29th birthday. We had been together almost 10 years, and I just celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary, by myself, this past April. He was my best friend. He was my everything. We are soulmates. And all I want to do is to join him. I believe in an afterlife of some sort, at least, and I’m willing to face the possibility of eternal damnation (if by some miracle, Christianity is actually right). There is no guarantee of what will happen after we die. But for me, there is a guarantee of what will happen to me, for being alive.
I will suffer, for the rest of my days, missing my husband, and wishing for death. Are you alive if you constantly pray for death? My heart should have stopped beating the moment his did. I guess my body was in too much shock to realize that. Nearly 10 months later, I’m still in shock.
I’m still looking for a way out. I tried to give myself menstrual related toxic shock syndrome, but apparently only 1/3 people can actually get it? I’m not sure. The internet is a wealth of knowledge, but sometimes it’s difficult to find out what’s fact among the never ending lists of contradictions. Anyhow, still waiting and hoping for TSS to kick in. It’s not a glamorous, or very pleasant way to kick the bucket, but I’ll take it!
I’ve also researched water intoxication, and half-assed tried it once, but I couldn’t drink more than 2 liters in 2 hours.
It seems like killing yourself is almost as, if not more, difficult as it is to just live and let fate knock us off.
Since it seems I’m not one of the lucky ones who can get TSS, I’m researching hiring someone to bump me off for me. It seems to be rather difficult to find a mobster or gang member though, especially since I’m a goodie girl. I guess we’ll see what happens.
8 comments
What a story! Isn’t it strange how us humans cling to another person? The attachment to that person drives us over the edge to insanity. I’ve been there, done that!! Why is that? That’s not love, that’s an unhealthy obsession. Isn’t it weird that if the other person could speak he might actually tell you to stay alive, to keep going, to keep loving. Maybe he’d tell you to put all that time and effort you’re using to find a way to die, use it to find a way to live?
Hope you get what you’re looking for! Take a good look at your thoughts, they’re not your friend.
I have a differing opinion, but I understand where you’re coming from.
I am sorry for the pain you are in. I understand what it is like to want to die, pray for death and live after failed attempts. Every day things seem to become more difficult to handle; the pain deepens and nothing helps. You’ve been through hell and put yourself through even more hell trying to escape the pain and the loneliness. And I perceive that your emotional pain turns physical – that is the point when I want out at any cost.
Posting here is a step in the right direction. We need ways of expressing our pain to others without the fear of being judged or condemned for wanting to die. Your feelings are completely valid – and they are your feelings. Stay away from people who tell you things like “you shouldn’t feel that way” or tell you things aren’t as bad as they seem.
I sincerely hope that you can find someone to trust and share your pain with. We need people that can listen and allow us to feel what we feel. I sense you have a tremendous amount of grief to work through and I know it can seem like and insurmountable challenge. You’ve begun to reach out by posting here and I hope you can keep that door open enough to let others support you.
I wish you well, and my hope is that you might give tomorrow one more chance to be the day you discover that there are others you can trust and that can love you and be there for you.
-peace
Like totally, just, like, wow evilkitten (love that name!) Hats off to you girl, ten out of ten for trying!
That was a strangely entertaining read. Is that awful of me? Well maybe I’m an evil kitten too.
You come off as a lovely and quite resourceful, witty and determined person. You’ve got style and panache.
I wonder to how many other purposes you could utilise those talents.
I believe in an afterlife too. Don’t believe in Hell for suicidals though…that stuff’s for kids.
However when I depart this life I wanna go peacefully. And if that isn’t possible by suicide I guess I’ll just have to stick around.
So sorry for your loss Evil Kitten.
********. You can buy it online from people in China. Take it with some nausea pills first to settle your stomach. ******** is like a wonder drug for suicide. You pass out soon after taking it, and soon after that you stop breathing, then you die.
Hahahaha! I’m not sure how it was entertaining, but thank you! I’ve written stories before, so maybe I just have a decent flair for presenting information in an interesting way. Or you’re just a sick jerk (just kidding!) Haha. Who knows.
And thank you for the compliments. (^_^) You’re sweet.
You should have added salt to the water in the bathtub. It keeps your wounds nice and fresh so that they keep bleeding. Make sure the water is warm, too. That definitely helps. I used that method when I was younger, and the only reason why I’m alive today is because someone found me as I passed out. Even then, I only barely survived.
TwistedSpace, I wouldn’t trust pills bought off the internet. I’ve heard too many horror stories about people getting swindled and not getting lethal stuff, but just stuff that fux you up worse than death. Right now I’m researching the Exit Bag, but I’m not in a place I can easily do that… I have to go through some tough times in the next few weeks, unless I muck up the courage to jump off something really high. But as I stated in the original post, I wanna be pretty when I’m dead, not mutilated and broken.
I’ve been finding some contradicting evidence about the efficacy of the Exit Bag, appears to work for some, and fail others. Guess it’s worth a shot. Just need a bit of money to get supplies and get a hotel for a few days in case it fails. I don’t wanna go back to the looney bin. It’s no fun without Bugs and Daffy (*_^)