I don’t know how this works, I’ve never done this before but I need some kind words right now. I’ve lost a part of myself. It’s so hard to be happy. So hard to be motivated. Surrounded by people but if you open up they always leave. 2 psychologists are helping me work through what happened, but I just need a friend.
My life story – I was always the happy one. But I was raised in a post apocalyptic cult and was psychologically abused until 21. I come from a broken family with domestic violence. My mum is not mentally there, still severely damaged from sexual abuse at a young age. I think the cult is her escape. I can’t get close to people because of what she has taught me and the pedo in the cult that got too close to me when I was 13. The thing is that I’m good now – I’ve escaped. I have a nice home. I live with nice people. But I’m not fixed inside. And I don’t know how to do that. I have no family I can turn to, they all blame me. For the fact that I was raised in a cult. Wtf. Didn’t even lift a finger when I was homeless at 17, or bother to see if I was okay, didn’t notice when I had no food for 3 days but shout at me for not calling my aunt on her birthday, ‘obviously you don’t care about us’. Don’t even listen to me when I show them a huge green-purple bruise, refuse to believe my mum would do that, call me a liar. And I was a good kid – wasn’t on drugs, didn’t get wasted, no tattoos or crazy piercings. I lost contact with all my friends when I moved country for 4 years to escape, including my ‘sister’ (not blood related), that I grew up with and half raised when her mum (basically my second mum) died. My ex-best friend said I abandoned her. But I would have killed myself if I stayed. But leaving cost me my best friend. The only person in the world who’d been over when my mum didn’t know, and saw what my mum was like and didn’t blame me for the problems. All my friends from the cult are just the same as me, too fucked up to be able to help. Always talking about depression, how pointless the world is, and it makes me worse I can’t deal with it. I’ve been trying to do everything for so long. They tell me I am always the strong one. So they never think that maybe I’m not. That I also need people. Please can somebody help. I’m not suicidal anymore, I just get so overwhelmed and I don’t know where to go. I just want to be happy but don’t know how. I’m happy when I’m not lonely, but nobody ever realises that I’m not okay.
5 comments
Leaving was the best thing you did even though your friendship ended as a result. Perhaps your friend felt abandoned but I think at the end of the day we need to do things for the better of ourselves. I hope you don’t feel regret over that decision.
Happiness can’t be forced, I personally don’t think we should search for happiness but rather let happiness search for us. Wake up the next day without thinking about happiness or sadness and I think you’ll find it will come to you and you won’t realise until later on, hey I was happy at this time.
If you ever want to talk about anything that isn’t what your other friends talk about because it gets you down I can drop you my email and be a friend if you need it.
Are you Australian by any chance? Just spelling certain words that’s all.
Thank you. I don’t regret leaving, but I get so angry it was at such a high price. It just makes it hard to be happy because I’m normally social, I know what I’m missing out on and what it’s like to have amazing friends. Anyway yes an aussie – nice pick up. Yeah if you don’t mind…? I swear I’m not always this negative ha.
jr_1672@live.com.au feel free to email if you need to talk.
I’m Aussie too that’s how I picked up on it :-p Negative, positive don’t worry about it. Just do you and be you that’s all you can be.
Thank you, I will definitely email.
Howdy, mate.
I get your feelings very well. It must be hard to look rosy to the future events.
But you’re free now, out of the cult. It is this one happy thing…
Nobody is truly happy I believe. And the only one person who can make you happy is you indeed. You’re an owner of your life, however it sounds maybe pathetic… it may take years to feel the happiness, but I bet you’ll find a way to reach it.
If you want, we can talk. About everything. I’m kind of depressive but always talkative so it is your very choice. Here’s my e-mail: vorkonzert@gmail.com