sad enough to want death but not crazy enough to actually do it. Anybody else simply sitting in their boat and waiting for a tsunami to end it all? I’m feeling extra sad today, not sure why. I’m trying really, really hard to upgrade my job skills but whenever I sit down to study, I end up doing something else until I quit and trick myself into believing that I’ll get started tomorrow instead (been saying that since February).
I’m here, ready to study this IT junk, but once I get started, I lose all energy and desire to better myself. I pull the rug out from under myself before I can even take a step because I’m so unhappy. I’m only trying to get a better job so that I’ll have more money so I can eat take-out more often. my life will remain a bag of dicks. I’m trapped inside myself. I can connect with other people and form bonds with them, but it’s nothing I ever feel. There is no love on my end, only guilt.
I want to study, get a better job so I’ll have more spending money, but I don’t want it enough. The only thing I really want is to sleep forever. I love dreaming and waking up is such a buzz kill.
I really want to die, but I don’t want to do it. Suicide for someone in my position is a nonsensical idea. If feels like such a waste, like only eating a quarter of your dinner and throwing the rest away. My grandmother always made me feel guilty about wasting food, and I feel the same way with my body. I want someone else to do it.
I’m really not doing anything with my life and don’t plan on doing anything, so if my subconscious is listening, I’m ready to be led to my demise.
1 comment
“Anybody else simply sitting in their boat and waiting for a tsunami to end it all?”
Good god, yes.
I’ve spent most of this year wishing, almost praying for some kind of quick, fatal accident. It would save me and those around me (the few who would be affected) the embarrassment and stigma of a suicide. But, I have moments, albeit brief and infrequent, when life starts to feel normal again, and it gives me hope that I might one day find life enjoyable. Those brief moments have kept me from acting on suicidal urges.
A lot of what you’re saying sounds to me like clinical depression. If you haven’t already, it might be worth considering talking to your doctor about possible treatments. If you try something that doesn’t work, you can always stop, but for some people they are life savers.