Unwanting to do anything

Living and killing myself are both just too hard and take too much effort. I am tired of exerting myself everyday, trying to appear like I’m normal and belong on this Earth. All I want to do is lie in bed, put blankets over my head, and somehow stop my incessant thoughts. If I did this though, I would once again be treated as if my personal rights did not exist. My space would be invaded once again. I wouldn’t be allowed to do anything again on my own. My overprotective parents wouldn’t let me sleep alone or do work in my room alone or do anything alone for that matter like they used to do. They think I’m better now (and luckily they do!) but in all honesty, I’ve only been fooling them. I pretend I’m happy. I lie that I don’t want to kill myself. I hide my self harm to the best of my ability. But all I want to do is collapse in a warm ball like a cat and do nothing. I don’t want to exist. But killing myself takes too much effort. And what if I fail? I will have to go through such torture and no one will leave me alone. I’m sick of everything and just want to sleep.