I’m on this site just to put down what’s in my head, because I can never say it out loud. So, I’m probably going to sound really stupid, but whatever. My mom’s really been getting on me about grades lately. I’m an A student, but currently have a B in chemistry and a C in trig, which is a level above my grade. I know she’s just trying to be a good parent, but I just don’t get why it matters. Why does it matter if I have a B and a C? Why would it matter if that prevents me from getting into some Ivy League school? i’m still going through the same life cycle as everyone else. I think that’s one of the reasons I want to die. Life is so pointless. You get 5 years of fun playing time or whatever, and then you go to school, and then you go to college, and then you get a job, and then you work 50 years, and then you retire, when you’re too old to do anything, and then you just die. That frustrates the hell out of me. I know I have to go through that cycle, but I HATE it. Anything we do is pointless, because we’re just “another brick in the wall”. We’re just one person going through the motions like everyone else. When I used to tell people how much I wanted to kill myself, they would tell me that there’s so much to live for. Is there really? I shouldn’t kill myself just to go to school to learn how to sit in some cubicle typing away 40 hours a week for years and years? There has to be some other way. If I can’t find it, well…
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Look around you. See all that stuff? It’s only there because people continue going through the motions, as you say. It takes work to build, maintain, and rebuild civilization, and it’s a never-ending process. All the technology that we use comes from intensive, exhaustive planning and lots of behind-the-scenes work, and depends on lots of other industries to support it.
But reducing life to just those minutiae of occupations and major life events misses the rest of the picture. A life isn’t just what you do to support your ability to go on living – it’s also what you love, and you can’t find out what you might love without learning. There’s no global point or purpose for any of this, but at the same time, without those routines of occupation, life would be a whole lot less pleasant than it currently is (which is saying a lot). I say that in a hedonistic way – some of us are lunatics and are obsessed with knowing all the details of everything. We want to puncture the mystery and don’t mind the added work involved in so doing.
I share many of the same thoughts as you, and unfortunately I do not have the answer. Sometimes I think that whatever we do in life won’t really matter because in the end we all just end up in the ground. I hope that you find happiness, but whatever you choose I hope that it brings you peace.