This is my first time on here. I don’t even know what I am doing. I have suicidal thoughts. I am 40 years old nd feel as though I havn’t amounted to much in this life. I feel like a complete loser. Lost my main source of income a year or so ago. No retirement or savings of any kind. The reason I lost my job is making it very very difficult to get another one. It was my life and passion. I don’t feel that my friends and colleagues listen to me or respect me enough. I am always wrong and whenever I have an issue the other person gets defensive and throws other stuff in my face confusing me and the situation. In the end I apologize and give in and I am left feeling even more alone, misunderstood and unheard.
I don’t understand how people live this life here on earth. It annoys me, it all annoys me. I loathe the things we must do just to be “normal contributing adults”. I have been to church, read bible verses, studied and practiced meditation and witchcraft. Believed in the power of the universe. The laws of power and attraction. Been a drug user and a non drug user. It’s all bullshit. We are on our own here, sometimes there are a few people who may try and help and thank you so so much. But ultimately no one knows what’s inside an individual’s mind and heart. I dont want to kill myself , but I do want to kill myself. Is it our right to take our own life? What’s on the other side ? Everything ? Nothing? Heaven? Hell? That scares me. I certainly don’t want to try suicide and fail, possibly end up in a worse hell, or perhaps if I did go through with it and then find out there was goodness coming to me and I took myself out before it got to me .Man that would suck. And reincarnation, I don’t want to keep coming back to learn lessons and all that mumbo jumbo. If there is a god then it knows my heart already right ? Then why isn’t it hearing my cries? Why am I not where I want and should be ?
maybe it’s all perfect and I’m right where I deserve to be. You can talk yourself in circles and never uncover an answer. It’s maddening. I imagine I will keep suffering along, I don’t have the balls to do it yet or maybe ever. I have researched many ways to do it though.
Its funny how you can customize your profile on this site with colors and fonts lol that’s one of the good creative things about life that makes you wanna stay here. I am super creative. I paint and write and record music. But you know .. No one really cares about my masterpieces and compositions. They dont seem to ever take me anywhere or become legitimate enough to make money for me to pay my bills and have a comfortable future. Time is running out and the older you get the faster the clock ticks. It’s morning, it’s noon, it’s night, it’s Halloween , it’s thanksgiving, it’s christmas, its easter, it’s memorial day blah blah etc etc on and on it goes.
im getting tired , maybe I’ll post again sometime , I feel for all those who sink, wish I could change it for everyone
13 comments
Dude, you seem to be someone that can express themselves well. I can so relate on so many levels and understand. Hang in there, ur helping people like me find some clarity about our own situations. Dunno, I do anthony robbins shit but then people come into my life and fuck it all up, or I end up making a mess of it
Hi The Enigma
Thank you for your comment. I’m happy you can relate. I do the same stuff … Build it up with all the best intentions and them it’s either me or other people that bring it down or me down. It’s terribly comical !! A cruel hoax I call it .. But it’s been great to connect with others who feel similar ways ..I will hang in there and I hope you will too!
Hey man. You know if you meet some good people that might change your outlook. It’d change mine too but the flaw in that advice is ‘find good people’…hmmm, maybe your right, we are on our own 🙁
Thank you for your comment ! Lol your right .. It’s funny and you never know .. But I agree .. And I did just reconnect with an inspiring friend I used to play music with .. I am hopping it can lead to better things that will help me feel more positive . I assume it will always be up and down I guess the question is how long will we hold on.
Thank you for sharing lifeloser, I totally relate to much of what you say. I have wrestled with notions of a Higher Power. Felt extremely angry with ‘God’, struggled to follow religious precepts at different points in my life. I have, at age 52, come to the conclusion that the world as we know it is irretrievably broken and that only divine intervention can fix it. All the beautiful people who come here with their terrible stories of suffering are, to my mind, enduring something like the Passion of Christ. OK, I’m probably gonna lose a lot of you here, but I feel that the world is being reborn and we are in the pangs of childbirth right now.
At least this means that I don’t have unreasonable expectations of enjoying my life right now. I was talking to my ‘higher power’ just now actually, and I told him/her/it that I am simply not prepared to grow old and die like this. So either he gets his finger out and finds a purpose for me here and helps me find it or I’m outa here by my own hand.
Sure many religious people wouldn’t approve of emotionally blackmailing your Maker but I had to lay it on the line to him lol!
Yeah I hear you :).. It’s hard to tell what phase we may or may not be in .. It seems like this one day and that the next day .. Dying and being reborn seem like the same thing .. Today I feel that this is how it is .. We either make it or we don’t .. And I guess that what’s meant to be since that will be happening .. Idk
im there
Where are you Rachael?
Life is just a big circle. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts, I enjoyed reading it because I felt like you were putting my feelings into words for me. By writing this post, you helped people like me too. We are all here to help one another. Write more if you want to, we would love to hear more, and by writing I hope it will help you along the way. <3
I agree .. On and on .. Thank you .. It’s so good to hear different stories and finding inspiration. So far being on this site has helped me very much. I don’t want to burden my loved ones too much with the heaviness of these kinds of thoughts and feelings .. It’s nice to be able to share with others on the suicide project .. I am looking forward to reading and sharing more !
“I am always wrong and whenever I have an issue the other person gets defensive and throws other stuff in my face confusing me and the situation. In the end I apologize and give in and I am left feeling even more alone, misunderstood and unheard.”
If this kind of thing happens a lot, you might be dealing with an abusive (or at least toxic) person in your life. The red flags I see here are the conviction that they can never be wrong, and the evasion of grievances by attacking the complainant instead of addressing the issue at hand. Though even taken together, these behaviours alone are not clear cut cases of abuse, both of these are classic controlling behaviour of abusive people. Just in case, I encourage you to read online material about emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. You might find it empowering.
“Why am I not where I want and should be ?”
Though your question is likely either rhetorical or seeking a religious/philosophical answer, I think the most comprehensive answers to this are actually socioeconomic ones.
Bleh, I sent too early. Sorry about that.
Just want to add: Best wishes to you. I hope things work out so that you can live for what makes you happy, and sooner than later.
Well, as you probably have read, the Eastern religions say that “beyond needing food and shelter, man creates his own reality. He’s unhappy because he doesn’t know this.” Also, that there is no “good” or “bad;” there are just events that happen but our perception of it is what defines it. When you pick it apart, take out subjective emotion, and look at just the facts, things are really just details that occur. Sometimes this helps me, when I force myself to think like this. I totally get you and every single thing you said. At least you aren’t alone: maybe it’s an early middle-age “human condition.” At any rate- best to you. Maybe that Eastern philosophy can help you, not religion, but philosophy. 😉