I can’t deal with my depression anymore.. I have started cutting again, and it is the only promise I can make myself anymore.. “If you get through this awful day, you can go home and carve yourself to your heart’s content..” While people may find that gross, it’s honestly the most truthful thing I’ve ever said to myself.. Cutting is an out for me. It helps me express my feelings, despite the fact that no one but me ever sees the cuts..
No one ever sees them because I am very sneaky about WHEN I cut. In the shower, in a bath, late at night with the lights out, any time I can get my hands on something sharp, I’ll sneak it back into my room and use it on myself..
People are very, EXTREMELY judgmental toward me, and I feel like it would be ten times worse if they knew I was cutting. ESPECIALLY with my mother. She is such a fucking drama queen!!!!!!! Her drama wears me down, and her words cut me worse than the blades..
The only reason why I cut is NOT because I enjoy the pain.. I don’t hardly feel it anymore. The reason I cut is because I like to watch the very substance keeping me alive drain out of my system. Creepy or not, that’s just the way it is, and I have to deal with that..
Even though I have gone six months without cutting, depression is killing me again. I did NOT start cutting again because I felt like being a drama queen, much to the disappointment of all the fucking drama queens in this town (which is basically EVERYONE). I started again because it is the ONLY coping skill I have that even lets me manage the pain inside, and balance it with physical, external pain.
P.S. I understand that there are people on here who think cutting isn’t the answer. Please, PLEASE don’t put your hate on my post. I already get enough of that shit offline.
2 comments
Hi, darling.
My boyfriend cuts himself, from time to time threatens me with it. It’s really painful for me…and the most that… He already told that he likes physical pain…
I don’t feel pain either… I don’t have smell and taste and I really understand how it is to feel nothing.
How old are you? Are you boy or a girl? Have you ever tried to use wax strips? The pain is really great, but it doesn’t leave any marks.
I understand completely – I miss cutting, I won’t lie to you. It is a relief like no other. BUT there are other ways to cope with life especially when you are out in public. Meditation is great. But what do I know – I am just a 31 year old crazy lady. Just know that people love you and you won’t always feel that way about cutting.