illusions

I sometimes feel as if I can not tell the difference between actual reality and the one in my mind. I think the worst of people and their intentions. I want to trust. Especially when people are seeming to earn it and be found deserving of my trust. However I can not shake the feeling that it is all just an elaborate act. I don’t like people. I used to. Not so much anymore. Maybe that’s just because of the people in my life that love me, spend their time and energy on me and have no idea who I really am and how dark my mind is. I’m a sick twisted fuck. Half the time I love it. The other half of the time I’d rather take my own life. I feel very strange. I guess I just assume everyone is sort of like me in the respect that we are all hiding our true selves. We all have dark twisted sides. The more normal someone seems when I meet them, the more I assume they are probably more twisted than I am. I don’t know if I’m extremely accurate in my thought process or if it’s just yet again my mind being screwed the hell up. In my mind, my world, no one is normal and no one is good. I wish I could feel differently though. The illusion of what is good, normal, and healthy, seems to be nice. But I don’t feel it’s real or obtainable.