I find my post is different than most but also has an underlying similarity…. Suicide aside. I’m almost 30. I have a good job, the usual BS to deal with. I’ve travelled the world. I’ve seen amazing things and experienced one of a kind moments. I’ve laughed till I cried, I have stories that could lead to movie bestsellers…. I could list a million reasons why I shouldn’t kill myself but the hurt I carry with me is too heavy.

Like  others, my childhood was not perfect. Lots of fighting, confusion and pain, but that’s not what I blame. I grew up as the youngest of 4. The only girl. As I grew older I was completely abandoned by those I loved. I never asked for anything. But they all moved and lived their own lives and all I wanted was that connection and they left me beginning 8 years ago and never looked back.

My family is around and has a choice but they choose not to love me or care regardless of when I tried or needed them in the past. I tried to be there for them. But to know my entire family chose not to love me and do not care… It’s a hurt I can’t deal with it. The guy I fell in love with and I knew with all of my heart I loved him (yep you’ve heard this one) doesn’t want me.

Im tired of being told I have a lot to live for because of my job. Anyone that works hard can have a good job- and no I don’t have a college degree. I’m tired if being told my  friends will miss me.  I can appreciate that and I love them dearly, but the void of love in my heart leaves me empty and depressed.

Im kind of on a rant but my heart hurts so bad and it no longer feels right when I smile. I can no longer feel like there is help other than drifting into a sleep and never waking. The pain will be gone and so will I. I welcome it and will finally feel at home.