So sad and empty

I lost my mom (almost) 2 years ago and ever since then every thing about me has changed. I withdraw further and further in and have no interest in staying connected. I feel trapped… I have 4 kids and I couldn’t do that to them. I have thrown myself into my kids activities just to keep busy and my mind silent.

The busy schedule also helps me have an excuse to not hang out with friends. My family, friends and boyfriend think I have an aversion to fun now. It’s not that I do, it’s that I just don’t feel joy anymore. How am I supposed to go on with my life like normal without her in it? I can’t… I don’t want to… A part of me is gone, forever…

I have told my boyfriend he deserves better. He just says I will get better and get back to my old self again. “My old self”… I was happy then, loved hanging out, sociable. I had her tho. To laugh with, cry with, anything. She was more than my best friend…she was everything. The loss is so overpowering. I often think what it would be like to just go away. Then I could be with her. It’s a comforting thought, when I know it shouldn’t be.

I would have thought after this much time had passed, I’d be more along in the grieving process. But I’m not and I feel this pressure to be (further along). Smile on the outside and try to be normal. But I’m not. Inside just feels dead…empty… I keep my feelings inside most of the time. I feel distant from everyone. A part of me misses my old life, the old me… but I can’t see a road back to it. Do I even deserve to be that happy again? How can I just go back to be that happy with her gone? It feels disrespectful. She deserves this much grieving. She was the best person in my life.

I just want to find that balance. To be okay with some happiness but always show her the respect she deserves. Just don’t know how to do it?