I was 12. I fell for the first girl in my life. And I cried myself to sleep every night.
I was 20. Someone told me I was blessed that I should be envied by everyone. I just said nah. What was going on my mind was, which blessed one on earth will fear that she would die alone?
I am 25. This fear is just getting more and more real. And I still cry myself to sleep.
It’s not just the lack of romantic life that hurts. Not just being appreciated romantically by no one. But that you know your fate and you can’t escape from it. You can do nothing on it. You do a lot, but nothing has changed. I’m tired of getting the same old shit again and again. I started wondering what’s the point of suffering.
(Just in case – to anyone who will tell me I’m still young and I just have to wait: thank you, and fuck you.)
5 comments
This doesn’t really have anything to do with age.
Even older people can’t really tell for sure what’s going to happen in their future, or who they’ll end up running into.
I feel kind of the same. Don’t just wait. Change everything you can. Maybe there’s nothing you can do. Or maybe, if you figure out what’s preventing you from connecting with people, you can switch things up enough so that it happens.
With me I think it’s a combination of poor social skills, very low self-esteem, lack of experience and life skills, extreme shyness, depression, poor fitness and health. It seems like a huge mountain to climb, and I often feel like I’ll never get anywhere. But the longer I go without changing anything, the higher the probability that the fear (dying alone) will become reality.
I feel like we are the same person. Every age you highlighted, I also went through the same exact thing and I’m going through exactly the same emotions and fear and thoughts you wrote. It’s almost like we’re the same person. At least you’re not going through this alone.
If you ever do kill yourself, I’ll sit next to you and watch…just offering (you’d never really ‘die alone’ then, if you really didn’t want to). I’m a fairly moot person, so I’d try my hardest not to sway you either way, since it’d be immoral to do so, imho.
However if what you consider to be ‘alone’ not something physical, and material…then you’ll become lost in your thoughts, chasing after the immaterial somewhat pointlessly…
There are people who have lost those long gone for decades, who are still ‘with’ them, and not left ‘alone’…and yet, you have people (perhaps you even) who are alone despite having a very person sitting right next to them, with nothing else to direct their attention towards but yourself…
The idea of that kind of ‘alone’ is simply whatever you want to believe at any given time. If you want to always believe you will always be ‘alone’, then you always will be, period.
Thanks for the offer. I meant specially a person who feels romantically related to me.