I don’t know what to do anymore

All my life, i’ve been hopinh that the future will bring something good. So far my life has been filled with pain, I know it may seem how I have it easy compared to other people with real problems, but every time it comes, it hurts so much. Mosts nights I spend crying myself to sleep. This has happened for the past three years. My only hope and is that I have someone to be happy with, she held me up, she made me feel that I wasn’t trash, that I could be something, that I was human. Even with her being around whenever it comes it would still hurt altough it did decreased. Now after I left for college, we drifted appart. The only person who I trust and kept me going so far has referred to me as “not worthy”. I guess I am trash, maybe I don’t deserve to live, maybe I should’ve died a long time ago. I haven’t had a good night sleep since and sometimes no sleep at all. I have no clue on what to do. Right now I’m lying in bed crying.