I’m here..

Looking for like minded people. I have dreamed of suicide since I was a teen. I made a couple feeble attempts as a teen but didn’t have the courage to pull it off. Now I’m a mother and I couldn’t put my child through the suffering of losing his only parent. I truly believe if I wasn’t a mother I wouldn’t be here. If anything ever happens to my son I would die soon after. He wants to go in the Army.. And I would never wish anything to happen to my boy but.. I can’t think of that. I love him more than anything. He is the only reason I choose to live. But I still fantasize about killing myself.. I realized it does soothe me. It’s like a glimpse of hope! How odd! Today sitting at my work desk I imagined stabbing my scissors into my neck- spraying blood all over my monitor. What a mess. Why does that make me smile? Haha. Weirdo