it always ends with me hurting myself I have gone weeks with out cutting myself but it always comes back I hate myself I try to do good things for myself go to college classes and work I can’t pretend to be happy I can’t find anything to smile about I love whiskey try to drink a bottle a day i love drugs do them a lot anything to numb myself to forget about my shitty life and escape it for a short while my life is revolved around getting trashed and slashing my body up I get so down and depressed I don’t want to move talk do anything what friends I had no longer call because no one want to be around me and they know I’m fucked up nothing has ever gotten better I have been in this cycle of harm for nearly ten years you would think you would get over it and kick the habits but I don’t it goes on and tomarrow will be the same I don’t even second guess the things I do I cut it stings for a bit bleeds and stops I slam a whole bottle and get sloppy Its normal to me bloody rags and empty bottles are a common thing in my apartment I can’t see this ever ending or me ever being happy when Iv lived like this for close to ten years I could never forget erase the 1000 scars or physical and mental damage from the booze and drugs I feel hated and unwanted everywhere I go I’m not social there has to be more than this just a depressing fat cut up loser waking to this trying to kid myself I’m important at all I’m not im ugly inside in out no one loves me I don’t love anything I fear myself and what I can do I close my eyes press hard with a blade and there deep cuts I don’t even realize till it bleeds iv cut myself on the face even I don’t want to be alive I can’t see myself living much longer this misreable when I feel the need to cut everyday for no reason at all can’t drink or do a small dose it’s all or nothing I get panic attacks extreme depression I become hysterical laughing like a mad man I’m not happy and I probaly will never be happy ever I can’t stop drinking or cutting i did it yesterday and now today and then tomarrow
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Sometimes I wish I had a supply of drugs. I don’t. Take me up on my offer, see “An Offer” posted today.
All of us here are depressed and understand. I’ve not seen another soul in over a week.
I read every word. Know that you are not alone. It may not mean much. But you have a friend here who will listen. Thanks for sharing.