I’ve been on the same routine now for almost 3 months now. I wake up, have a shower, go to college, and think about nothing else except taking my own life. I barely manage to get out of my own bed. I don’t feel motivated to do anything anymore, and I’m hanging by a thread. Loneliness and misery is all what I have left. I have no friends, no girlfriend, my family doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me. I’m all alone. The only thing that manages to make my face light up is food. The only time I feel happy is when I eat. I’ve gained so much weight because of that, and it’s tearing me apart watching myself getting bigger and bigger. I almost jumped off a building 4 times now. Whenever I get closer, something pulls me back… It’s been on and on. I wasn’t like this, never was. What happened to me?
It’s like a sudden change that struck me out of nowhere… It’s like I’ve been cursed by someone or something. Depression, frowns, tears, and panic attacks… I barely can even manage to hold a conversation with another person. I barely can carry myself out of my bed to go to my classes… I’m a mess, and I need help before it’s too late… I don’t know what to do, and I’m afraid I might end up doing something I might regret. I’m afraid, petrified of the lifestyle I’m leading. It’s like I’m causing my own self devastation and destruction.
Looking back at all the years I lived now, I don’t feel quite shocked about where I am now. The past events all built up to this. Neglectful parents, war, drugs, and bad influences. That was my childhood. I’ve been getting these dreams lately… I dream almost everyday of an attractive young lady that keeps whispering in my ears to end my misery. I know it’s only a dream but somehow that mystery whisperer is getting to me… I’m afraid that one day I’ll listen to her and do what I fear the most. Considering it now though, I’m thinking about facing this fear and ending it all. I have nothing and no one to lose… Might as well just go for it… Help.
2 comments
i am sorry you are living hell. i am going through hell too. your pain is very big. you are hurt. may you get what you want. i know how hard it is to living on hope alone
Same routine, yes I call it my ‘programming’.
Know that there are many people here who care (and a great many who never comment, I’ve received emails from such souls).
Depression does not have to make any sense, it doesn’t make it any less real. Take me up on my “An offer” (see my post Apr 28/29). I wish I could help more.
In the mean time, keep your stick on the ice, keep writing.