That’s all I have ever wanted to be; a faithful wife. Sadly, having had you in my life, this will never happen. The only desire in my heart for my entire life has been to simply devote myself completely to someone else and now I know that this will never happen. The depression and anxiety have been eating me alive for years but I hung on with the hope that I would eventually fulfill my dream. Now that this can’t happen, I struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. Oh, I have also since developed bulimia and attempted suicide (though the last time I promised myself I would never try that again). I constantly feel angry and every little thing bothers me. I can’t feel anything good anymore, I simply feel empty and listless. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and worst of all, I no longer believe in love. My life had little meaning before and now it has absolutely none. I have tried to do things like go back to school, volunteer, change jobs, try meditation, etc. and nothing has been able to fill the void. There is a constant nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach every minute of every day and I don’t know what else to do to fix it. Therapy and a variety of medication have not helped either. I’m physically exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I am at the end of my rope and I feel that I have no avenues left to take. Now that I have failed at suicide (again), I feel absolutely lost. Where to now?
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4 comments
I am sorry you that are in so much pain right now. Depression is really is a a horrible disease.
I don’t know this will help you but i think being with nature will make you feel good. Go for a vacation alone.
Your post has such a ring of possibilities. Maybe you don’t see it yet, but maybe you will? That person you want to devote your whole life to has always been there. Waiting for you. She’s the only person you can devote a life to. She’s the only person that counts. She’s only person who will never leave. She’s only person you can help and needs your help now. Any other person will leave you, turn their back on you, hurt you, or die. That person is you. Who else?
I’ve tried all the modalities you mentioned. 10 years of Zen, 10 years of yoga…on and on..somehow I keep thinking the answer is ‘out there’ if I can just find it. It’s not ‘out there’ it’s right here … inside. I’ll give you one more suggestion..why not. Byron Katie, The Work. Check her out online. It’s self inquiry, self discovery. Let me know. I’d be interested.
Your post brought out a lot of familiar feelings for me. I can feel your pain, your anguish, your sadness, your disappointment. They are inside me, too. When you are empty inside, nothing matters anymore. Nothing interests me anymore. There is no joy and happiness. They are gone.
All I think about is her and her kids. I know I will never see them again, but that is the only wish I have left. To see them one more time.
I’ve also tried and failed to end it all. Every time I get closer. So I hope next time is the one. What’s the point of being alive when your life is over? I want out.