This is my final post on here, I thought it would help me. Some of the people on here are really helpful. But I know my decision now. I will go away, in a sense. I have issues befriending people. In the end however they leave, that’s ok though. They are forgiven. So is everyone else who has caused me pain, you are forgiven. I am now at peace, I feel no more pain. I have dreaded posting this, because I felt that maybe hope was somewhere. But certain events today proved to me otherwise. I know that there is no other way. I’ve no idea what awaits me in death. I’m sure it’s not happiness. I’ve had a chance for happiness here in life and I failed at it. Yes, I have it better than many, those starving in Africa, those in prison for life, those who have terminal diseases. They have something I don’t, the will to survive. They want to live, I’m selfish, I’ve no will to live. My family will surely miss me. As I’ve no friends, of course they won’t miss me. So? I’ll be gone, I don’t anyone to miss me, I don’t need anyone to care that I’m gone. What would that do? Cheer up a dead guy? I think not. If that’s the case why don’t they cheer up a living guy? It’s always when someone is gone that people compliment and feel so sorry, but when they are living they are just a nobody to them. But that’s fine, humanity is such full of hypocrisy anyways. I’ve lived for twenty years, not one year has been good, not one day joyful. Not one minute hopeful. Why would it change now? Why would I magically transform into a happy go lucky persona. I see what my future will be if I were to live. And I will not accept it. I will never accept it. Perhaps I may be reborn into another life, somewhere else, somewhere far away. Perhaps I will remain in nihilism. But it’s over, that I know for sure. I’m truly sorry to those that may love me, that may have hope for me, I failed you, I failed you all. I failed myself. I failed you, my former love, who I told will never love again, and doesn’t deserve to live. I’m sorry for that, I was flawed, I was insecure. I wasn’t mature, I never deserved you anyways. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve to live. I seen myself as so perfect, so morally correct. I believed myself worthy of true happiness, but in reality I never deserved it, not then, not now. I’m sorry.
Peace out and good wishes.
12 comments
I am sorry to hear of your pain and suffering. 🙁 I’ve had the wish to die too- still do at times. Like an hour ago… But listen, the person who will miss you the most is you. I know, I know you already know this.
Suffering and hurts happen and cause us great pain. We don’t know how to deal with that. We look around and the people we cared about do not respond to us. And we may lash out in anger at them but they don’t care. So we turn the angry towards ourselves and demand that we fix what we (must of) broke. And we can’t fix it, so we want to give up and get OUT.
I’m sorry you feel that dying is the way out. There is more than that. Focus on one thing each day instead of looking at the big picture. Or listen to music that you love when the pain gets too much. Find someone you can vent to. Draw or paint your pain. Write your story and what has happened to you.
And if that doesn’t work, try again tomorrow. What is one more day if you’re going to go anyway? Wash, rinse, repeat. Get through to get through.
I hope you change your mind about dying. ]
I wish you the best.
I keep trying everyday. I try and try to make things better. It never works. Nothing ever seems to work.
Don’t let this be your final post. If you’re leaving, then do it for the better. Do it because you don’t need the advice anymore. Do it because you have the strength to overcome it all. I’m here, ask me for any possible way to contact me I’ll be here ???? – xxemoxbearxx
I know what you mean. I have dealt with my depression for 20 plus years. I only figured out I had fear that I pushed away. Then, when I realized it, I still had no way to deal with it.
Before that I had counseling off and on for over ten years. They wouldn’t listen to me. I told them about my family and they said counseling was not for dredging up your past! I didn’t want to talk about them, so okay. But talking about school and work that I was trying to get did me no good. All that time, several three or four? counselors, kind people but really did me no good.
So, I do understand when you say nothing seems to work. But something will if you keep going.
Tell me what is going on right now? What is causing you to want to go? I’ll listen. I will look for your response, if not tonight, tomorrow. It might take me a bit to get online since I don’t have the internet at home. But I will look for you.
Please know I care. Please keep searching for what you need. Searching is the only way you’ll find it. Know it is okay to feel terrible. But don’t give into that feeling. Feel it and release it. If it comes right back, do it again.
Kind of like fishing… catch and release- which is PERFECT because I never understood why you’d hook that fish, hurt his little mouth and then, let him go back… Scare him to death and then say, JUST KIDDING! 😉
I’ll be around for a bit and if I don’t see your response, I’ll check tomorrow.
Take GREAT care of you.
PLEASE do not call yourself weak. It is simply not true. You may feel weak but that does not make you weak. We all have many emotions and this is okay to feel.
Still, I believe this is your depression talking. Depression distorts your thinking and everything negative feels so real and any positive things seem wrong. Replace weak with good enough. Because you are. You are working hard to figure this out.
Feeling uncomfortable in the public is common. I do understand how this would be hard, esp. since you have a job that makes you feel unable to meet their standards. There are things you can do. Google self-esteem, public speaking, public phobias… etc. Read about it, learn strategies you can use.
I also understand about not feeling like a grownup. Sometimes I just do not know what to do. But that is not mean a person is deficient or bad. Life can be very difficult and everyone has times they doubt what to do, how to be a grownup, just different degrees at different times.
About your job- they sound like they accept you since you made a mistake and were not fired. Mistakes happen. Did they talk with you about it? Can you talk to your supervisor about your job? Or talk with a good friend or someone else you trust? Could ease your mind by getting it out. Another way you can get it out- journal about it. Write it out (and tear up after if you don’t want to have it around…. tearing it up may be liberating.)
I am glad you believe in love for you. Love is not about being lucky and just happen upon that special person (and I have felt that was true! And if it was just luck, I’ll never find him.).
Finding love means talking to people, finding common interests to talk about. They say that the more others tell you, the more they like you. That makes sense. Sometimes I go on and on when talking to someone, filling the space. Being interested in others is what is important and relatively easy… Asking the other person/persons opened ended questions (not yes, no questions).
Hope your Wednesday is a good one. Oh, and don’t worry about happiness. Yes, depression is the opp. of happiness. But be patient. Happiness might sneak up on you! 🙂
P.S… I do understand how hard all of the above is with your depression. Be patient. Be kind to you. Don’t hold all these issues against yourself- like, saying to yourself, I don’t have my life together so I never will. Oh, how I use that one sometimes!! So, slipups happen. Just be kind to you when it does.
P.S.S…I wrote a lot. I think I was writing a book here. 😀 Take what works, leave the rest.
I was talking a girl, that potentially liked me, and now she left me in the dust. Like them all. I didn’t do anything but be respectful and nice. Ughh. My wonderful life.
I’m sorry she left you. This is what relationship building is about. This girl wasn’t for you if she left you like that. And she wasn’t worth it. Yes, I know you were hoping for the potential relationship. But that is what you lost- the potential life you want. NOT the only woman you’ll have a chance with.
I’m glad you are respectful and nice. Respectful and niceness are great qualities. Keep this up! You have to keep meeting women, talking with them, asking them more questions than giving information about yourself. Give them the attention. It may seem so difficult and impossible. And I understand disappointment in not finding her. Just because one woman wasn’t into you, doesn’t mean another won’t be.
Finding your life is not limited to the woman you’ll love. Loving you means to take care of you. You can only love another the amount you love yourself.
So, what is that?? (This is a lesson I have come to late!) It is getting to know you. Believing in yourself and finding what interests you. Working on yourself. Read articles about how to be a healthy person. With the internet, it is easier than ever. Find articles about effective communications, esp. in relationships. Taking interest in yourself and how to better yourself will strengthen your belief in you and in communicating with women.
I hope all is well with you!
I really appreciate you giving your time to help me, your replies have helped me alot. I will try every thing you have told me, and I’ll be back on here from time to time. Hopefully things will improve me as time goes on, and I’ll learn to love myself, if you hate yourself, how can anyone else love you, you know? Other complications about finding love is, that I really should be patient, and wait. Because I will be going out to sea with my ship in a year and a half and be forced to leave her behind here for a bit. Unless she was willing to move, which I wouldn’t expect her too. Who ever and if I were to find someone.
You are welcome. I need the advice I gave to you too!
I’ll look for your new posts. You are on the right track. Work on you during those months at sea. That sounds exciting so don’t take the adventure for granted!
I’m dreading it honestly. But stay strong, follow your advice lol and I wish you the very best in your life.
TY
As my grandmother would say, you will learn so much! 😉
You seem like such a mature and level-headed person.
I think it would be a shame if the world were to lose someone so full of honesty such as yourself.
I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just putting in my input and hoping it helps.