This is my final post on here, I thought it would help me. Some of the people on here are really helpful. But I know my decision now. I will go away, in a sense. I have issues befriending people. In the end however they leave, that’s ok though. They are forgiven. So is everyone else who has caused me pain, you are forgiven. I am now at peace, I feel no more pain. I have dreaded posting this, because I felt that maybe hope was somewhere. But certain events today proved to me otherwise. I know that there is no other way. I’ve no idea what awaits me in death. I’m sure it’s not happiness. I’ve had a chance for happiness here in life and I failed at it. Yes, I have it better than many, those starving in Africa, those in prison for life, those who have terminal diseases. They have something I don’t, the will to survive. They want to live, I’m selfish, I’ve no will to live. My family will surely miss me. As I’ve no friends, of course they won’t miss me. So? I’ll be gone, I don’t anyone to miss me, I don’t need anyone to care that I’m gone. What would that do? Cheer up a dead guy? I think not. If that’s the case why don’t they cheer up a living guy? It’s always when someone is gone that people compliment and feel so sorry, but when they are living they are just a nobody to them. But that’s fine, humanity is such full of hypocrisy anyways. I’ve lived for twenty years, not one year has been good, not one day joyful. Not one minute hopeful. Why would it change now? Why would I magically transform into a happy go lucky persona. I see what my future will be if I were to live. And I will not accept it. I will never accept it. Perhaps I may be reborn into another life, somewhere else, somewhere far away. Perhaps I will remain in nihilism. But it’s over, that I know for sure. I’m truly sorry to those that may love me, that may have hope for me, I failed you, I failed you all. I failed myself. I failed you, my former love, who I told will never love again, and doesn’t deserve to live. I’m sorry for that, I was flawed, I was insecure. I wasn’t mature, I never deserved you anyways. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve to live. I seen myself as so perfect, so morally correct. I believed myself worthy of true happiness, but in reality I never deserved it, not then, not now. I’m sorry.
Peace out and good wishes.