How many times do we have to feel grief, fear, hatred, jealousy and everything else put together do we people have to go through? How many times do you sit there and feel dead inside when someone is constantly bringing you down. I have a boyfriend and he can sit there and call me beautiful and say he loves me but I don’t feel it. I feel used, I hate it knowing that he always prefers to watch beautiful blond perfect body’s fuck themselves but won’t touch me. Unless he feels so hard that he needs a vagina to get him off.
I almost jumped off the bridge a couple days ago but someone sat there with me and told me even though she didn’t know me she cared. She sat we with outside for an half in hour in the freezing rain in a tank top just to tell me I’m worth something. And in that moment I really did feel like I was cared for. Then I had to go back to my boyfriends house cause I live with him.
I hate myself, my body and as stupid as it sounds my soul. I was in the hospital for awhile and wasn’t able to walk. They forced me to gain weight and prevent me from playing the sports I loved. My body became so fat and ugly but I believed he loved me regardless. I wanted to do better for myself and start going to the gym but I feel like I would need to transform myself into those perfect bombshells. I have been compared to those women in the past and that really just put shit on your shoulders. From day one I told him I don’t prefer men who do that and people can say “he’s a guy he has needs” but what I’m saying is that I don’t like it, the fuck with other couples being okay with that shit but I’m not.
I feel so jealous that he can look at them and instantly get hard and jack off in the washroom beside our room. He even told me that he gets bored of me wish there was more. More of what? I don’t even know that many guys that would prefer porn over actually sex. I hate that I can’t get the same reaction out of him when I get naked. It makes me feel so useless and so dead that I can’t even do something like that.
How can I expect someone to love me when I don’t even love me. But how do I even start? When you feel so useless to the one you love and claims that they love you too for who you are. No. It’s all bullshit and lies, probably pity knowing how broken some I think I am. Until then I’m nothing but a bed warmer.
Tell me this; how far do we let someone push us until we let them push us off that bridge?
5 comments
Just break up with him if you’re not happy. Find somewhere else to live. If you think you’re not enough for him that’s not going to change while with this guy (you’ll stay miserable), so end it and work on improving yourself and becoming comfortable with who you are, until you’re confident enough to be in a mutually beneficial relationship.
I agree.. the first step to self improvement is to get away from people..not just because they may cause you harm but you also need to be 100% sure that you are doing this for yourself. It’s not easy but finding strength in one’s self is a solo journey. Sometimes we need to fix ourselves inside and out before we are ready to start over again.
Have faith in yourself..no one wants you to hurt yourself. 🙂 you sound like a beautiful person with so much potential and love just waiting to surface. Give it time and do your best.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts
I’ve known him since we were kids and he and his family took me when when I was kicked out from my own. After I basically was discharged for the hospital for other medical reasons, my mom decided that she didn’t need to put up a front anymore. I live with him and am trying to save up to get my own apartment but he’s making it so unbearable. I’m so thankful that they were god sent and took me in but the emotional abuse is really kicking me further into my depression. I don’t know what else to do in this situation
I remember the first time my ex tried to tiptoe around his lack of desire for me with small words of empty admiration. I remember the first time I walked into the bathroom on him masturbating to a video on his phone after I’d tried to initiate intimacy. I remember how how much I hated myself, how many times I gave in to cutting myself after I eventually started at 27yrs old, and for almost 5yrs I stayed loyal and true to him after catching him multiple times just before he’d be willing to cheat.
My scars on my arm will insist he’s not worth it. The fading red lines on my stomach I cut there while trying to cut away all of me that I felt was ugly will tell you that you need to end the relationship. The few scars on my face from me completely breaking down one day, would scream to you that you have to admit there’s a problem here, before you internalize everything you’re feeling and turn on yourself. I gave up 5years of my life.. the PRIME of my life to someone who found more interest in a video screen than the dedicated woman that genuinely loved him. And you know what? Let his interest stay there. You need to focus on yourself. It’s going to hurt, and be tough, and you’ll be ‘alone’ for a while; but that is so much better and safer than the possibly permanent, psychological damage that is to come to you if you don’t act on behalf of your own best interests.
He tells me that he only does it when I’m going through that hellish period week. But I always see him on those site. He tried to be sneaky by using the private internet on his phone, but I wake up in the middle of the night and look over to see him looking at nudes. But i have go down on him whenever the feeling is there for him but I guess it isn’t enough because he goes downstairs and disappears for around 30 mins. I have started to cut myself and trying to hide them is really hard in hot weather like this. I was considering taking up smoking again because I’m so stressed out.
Honestly I wish there was a place were we can just talk to each other, no one really goes into the chat room anymore so it’s hard to talk with you guys real time.