I can’t do this anymore

I’m a little bit new to this whole blogging my feelings thing, but i can’t keep it to myself anymore. I hate myself, i dont know how or wen i did, or i think maybe i always have. I dont think ive ever been happy. When I was really little it was me my mom my dad and my little brother. I always try and remember my childhood as being happy and i’m always that one person to point out the good in any situation, but it’s time i tell the truth. My dad was a rug addict. my dad did crack and cocaine and heroin and god knows what else. Not that i have anything against drugs, i think that we all have the right to experimentation, but not if you have a 3 year old little girl and a newborn son to be taking care of. when i was 4 my father raped me. and he beat me and my entire family. but i was daddy’s little girl, i never realized until i got older that there was something wrong. My mom left my dad while he was at work one day in September when i was 5. she took everything she could fit into her and my aunts car and she left with me and my brother. the night before we left I walked out of my room to go to the bathroom and when i walked out my dad was choking my mom with a scarf. Growing up as a little kid was hard for me, because I blamed my self for my mom leaving. I always blamed myself. Now that i think about it, thats the root of me hating myself. And then when i got older , maybe in the middle of elementary school, i started to blame my mom, I hated her and everything about her. life went on. middle school was rough for me, i’ve always had an un natural urge to be with guys, i kissed and made out with so many guys in middle school before any of my friends even had their first kiss. and on into high school. The summer before going into freshman year i lost my virginity a month after i turned 14, and i got pregnant with the baby of my first real love. Little did i know that he was cheating on me our entire relationship with my “best friend.” Late october i was almost 3 months pregnant, and i lost the baby that i planned on keeping. Then i found out that he was cheating on me, he never knew i was pregnant, and at 14 i decided that he had no right to know what i had been through. I still hate myself and all throughout high school i have. (i was supposed to graduate today) i have “been with” 11 people. Ive gotten myself into some trouble along the way. Freshmen year i cut myself for the first time, just because i read about it on the internet, i thought that maybe it could help me and i was curious as to why someone woud do it. It made me feel good while i laid there bleeding. and sophomore year i tried to kill myself 3 times. ive never told anyone this but my best friend bu i feel such a release from telling people here.  No one in my family noticed anything was wrong. the hate i had for myself just kept growing bigger and bigger until i couldn’t take it anymore, i tried to hang myself in my closet. my mom found me, hanging my self didnt kill me, i just passed out, ill never forget how awful i felt. I can’t even kill myself right, and i felt so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. i later went on to drinking, i drank so much all the time, i used to mix my heavy duty sleeping pills with vodka, i just wanted everything to end, my mom never found out about that, and the last thing i tried was slitting up my wrists instead of across, thats when my mom brought me to the hospital for help. after being there for 8 hours, i was admitted to four winds, a kind of mental rehabilitation place? idk. i was there for a while and they diagnosed me with bipolar and post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) I had already been in and out of therapy my entire life and now i had to go through all of it all over again. i was better after that for awhile until about a year ago, the dark thoughts cant get out of my head. i cant get them out no matter how much i try, and on top of already feeling worthless, i can’t graduate high school, i failed both the english classes i was in. I can’t even pass the language i speak. I’ve never been able to do the things people have expected of me, im the school slut, the worlds own personal cum bucket. I can’t carry a baby, I can’t attract nice guys, and i can’t even get a high school diploma. I feel so worthless right now and i feel like it wouldnt make a difference if i just ended everything right now. i can’t carry on anymore, and im sick of trying, he only thing keeping me here is my boyfriend of the past year and 2 months. He’s the only thing that can keep me happy anymore, dont get me wrong i love him, but sometimes a little love from someone else isn’t enough to keep a person here. my mom used to tell me that i cut for attention and i lost alot of friends when the realized what the marks were from, and if thats the society that im living in today then i dont want to live in this society at all. im so over whelmed, mom says i ave to find somewhere new to live by this october, i work a $9 an hour job and i can’t find a better one, how can i afford to live on my own> no one wants to room with me, im not going to get anywhere i dont know why i try. I just want to feel the will to live again, I’m waiting for something to pick me up again, but Everything i find just keeps pushing me down. Maybe i should just give up, but how selfish would i be to hurt everyone else around me.