I’m sick really.. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. nothing in life satisfies me anymore, I want all the wrong things & I think that bad, that my heart is literally ready to jump out of my chest.
I just want it all to go away. these feelings, these thought, these memories. I just want to be happy.
I don’t remember the last time I was happy actually. you see, a lot has happened to me in my life. a lot happened to me growing up as a child and I think it has all had a negative impact on my life.
long story short, I was sexually abused from the age of 6 to the age of 14 by two different men, both being brothers, the older brother being my moms husband. I don’t remember it ever really affecting me as a child, actually I just pushed it so far to the back of my mind where i never even thought about what was happening. it’s like it didn’t happen at all.. but that was than.. it affects me now.
I don’t trust anyone, anyone of the male species that is.. I have the lowest self esteem anyone could possibly have, I hurt myself constantly because I get in the biggest States of panic where hurting myself is my only relief. I am socially awkward in many cases, I have no real friends, my family and I aren’t the closest. but what’s really messed up is what I am attracted to.
I have never ever told anyone what I am about to say right now, I figured since this is a suicide site, I can say this without being judged or ridiculed for it. but anyway, I am attracted to abuse and violence. I am attracted to men who take away all my power (and not just sexually) I am attracted to men who physically, emotionally and mentally abuse me! I actually hate nice guys. I like guys who make me feel worthless, and make me feel so scared. I know it’s sick & I hate living like this but I don’t know how to change it. I like guys who stand above women, who stand above me. & I think it might have something to do with what happened to me as a child. although I hated so much what happened to me, I still look for controlling and abusive men! whyyyy!!!!!!
I hate it & every single day I dream of dying. I can’t think of anything else that would make me more happier than to be done with this cruel world.
4 comments
Reading your experiences makes me feel like im reading my own.
All the emotions and feelings that you feel literally seem so identical to mine.
Espically regarding feeling insecure and not being able to trust men.
Sexual Abuse is one one of the most traumatic things any human could ever have to go through..
We didnt deserve to be mistreated, and its not your fault so dont take it out on yourself..
pls also keep in mind… You are stronger than you could EVER imagine.
Its there.. Dont crucify yourself for something that wasnt your fault beautiful..
My heart goes out to you..
!!
I’m a man, but I have nothing but utter hated for those that steal a childs innocence, I’m so sorry to hear that that happened to you… I can feel your pain and acknowledge your desire to be treated like that, even if it is a bit self deprecating. I think you’re worth more than to be abused like that, even if you do have a desire for it, I think it is just your low self esteem that is making you want that. Have you tried a nice guy that wants to do right by you and uplift your self esteem? Maybe seeking bad guys that treat you like a worthless whore is only damaging your self esteem further and making you feel all the more like dying? I think you need to give yourself a chance! My thoughts are with you…
I see what your saying, and thank you for taking the time out to read and reply to what I said.
but personally I don’t feel attracted to nice guys, I mean ideally I would love one, I would love to meet someone who makes me smile, who understands my pain and someone who can help me through all the bullshit I’ve been through, I would honestly love that. and when I am sitting alone crying after my boyfriend just beat me for something as stupid as the way I spoke to him, I always imagine what it would be like to meet someone who treated me nicely.
it’s just hard to bring yourself out of something you’ve been stuck in for so long. that’s why honestly, I believe I am sick. I think I am messed up for being attracted to guys who literally take away all my free wil. I know it’s not normal, but the thing is, I don’t know if I want to come out of it.
I want help, but at the same time I am happy being over powered by men.
I’m not a whore at all, and if anything being treated badly in a sexual matter is something I can’t handle, I have only been in one relationship, for two years now but I’m more attracted to the physical abuse from men, the mental and verbal abuse.
I sit and I feel sorry for myself constantly, but more so because know one ever felt sorry for me before. no one helped me. I was so young and so scared and so helpless. & now I am a 23 year old women, watching her life be wasted away from the same thing that always haunted me. abuse.
I wish I was normal, I wish I could think rationally but it really is hard. I actually enjoy being made to feel worthless and I don’t know how to come out of that.
you probably think I am crazy and I’m sorry for that.
thanks again
This feeling sounds like a serious deep wound to me.When you are wounded it is hard to trust yourself.It works as if you’re infected inside.But somebody like you deserves LIFE.I say this even if i don’t know you but i know that you are a human being.Don’t be ashamed of your condition.Make an effort to get in touch with your instinct and find a therapist that you sense they can help you for real.You have to be treated with care.Don’t let this poison run too far.Freeing yourself is not a fantasy.