this place seems kinda dead, but oh well. i’ve run out of good places to share my real feelings. i wonder if anyone here remembers me at all (prolly not). things are the same as they were before, except i’ve gotten more depressed and it seems like i’m also physically falling apart, although i’m only 18. my body does not work how it should, along with my mind.
last night i had what i can only describe as a panic wave or some kind of anxiety attack. it was just after 12:30 am and i had turned the lights out for bed. all day i hadn’t felt like myself and didn’t feel right emotionally, but when i lay down to sleep, it turned to fear. i guess all the crap that’s happened these past several months compounded and just hit me all at once. i started not breathing well. it seemed like i could not inflate my lungs enough to inhale enough air. so i was scared and struggling to breathe. i was in the dark. nobody was with me, my parents were both asleep, my mom was on the couch, and before that was so drunk she was incomprehensible. so i couldn’t go to her. nor could i go to my dad, because i knew he had work today, and he is often an ass when drunk, he probably would’ve just said to fuck off. so i had no one. i didn’t have any friends to call or text, it’s was almost 1 am. i sat in the dark and panicked alone. i felt like crying, i needed someone and there was not one person. i almost got back up and turned the lights on again, but i wanted to sleep well that night. anyway, i don’t know how the hell i calmed myself down enough to sleep, but i did.
today i’m still off-color emotionally. i feel so weird inside, like something bad is going to happen. it’s the same kind of feeling i had shortly before my grandma died 3 years ago, and while i’m not a very superstitious person, it worries me. usually i don’t feel this way without a reason. i’ve only felt this way a handful of times in my life, all of them in the last few years, and each time something bad happened not long after. so it’s hard not to assume.
it doesn’t help that i am dealing with this entirely on my own.
3 comments
I don’t know if it’s appropriate to say “welcome back,” because coming back here means you’re depressed and suicidal. So many of us on here deal with these feelings alone because the people in our lives either won’t listen or don’t understand. Essentially users come and go on this site for two reasons. They either get better or they die.
It does sound like you had a panic attack. At night is when the mind is alone and the thoughts are the loudest. Keeping it all inside causes panic attacks for me, I think you need to get your thoughts out somewhere.
Try not to focus on something bad that might happen. If you expect the worse you’ll cause more panic.
well, i never really stopped being depressed or suicidal. i only stopped coming here for a little while. i felt like i was just saying the same things over and over again, but then i realized this is the only place where i can say such things freely. and be heard (read) – unlike in a journal.
i’m just trying to calm myself down, but it’s hard because i’m not on any meds for this kind of thing. i’m still not breathing entirely normally.
I understand. I never liked jounals because it felt like I was talking to myself and I’m not very good at comforting myself.
I’m on medication but still get panic attacks. Unfortunately medication can only do so much, I think it’s about learning to control emotions and finding an outlet for them. I’m still struggling with it. Sometimes I just have to remind myself to breathe because I get trapped in my mind.