Just spent a bunch of time writing this on mobile and forgot to save it and got an error, yay me.
Anyway, hi. I’ve been browsing this website on and off for the past year or so and decided to share my story today.
So I’m currently 18 years old, and I’ve been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts since about 9 or 10.
I’ve never really met or talked to my real father in any way, he left when I was 3 months old, I come from a relatively poor family
and my father never paid his child support, my mom rarely had a job and would constantly get in shitty relationships,
so I had to live with my grandparents most of my life and they pretty much raised me.
I’ve basically always been unpopular in school, I was always that ugly fat kid everyone made fun of and bullied.
I had a few “friends” growing up, but most were either people using me, or they were literally ashamed to be
with me around other people. I only had one real friend but we stopped talking after awhile for some reason.
I left school in grade 7 due to constantly being bullied and nothing being done about it by either the school
or the parents. I couldn’t leave my house anymore without being followed by multiple guys and being bullied.
After dropping out, I basically did nothing in life for 4 years. I would wake up, eat shitty foods, and play video games,
that was basically my life for that period of time. Of course, I gained more weight and became more out of shape in this time,
if I would just go to the corner store across the street I would be out of breath. Around the end of these 4 years my mom met
my step dad. At first I really liked him, he was really nice, he did more for me than most people. I actually wanted to leave my
room to talk to him and do things with him. Around this time I also met a guy online who I really liked. We would pretty much
talk constantly and do things together constantly, I felt like I actually mattered. He made me so happy. Sadly, he’s straight,
but he knew the feelings I had for him and he didn’t seem to mind. As time went on, he seemed to like me less and less, talking
less, doing less together, etc. This caused me to crave attention from him more (he was basically the only source of happiness
I had at this time in my life) and I would get really annoying by messaging him a lot, after awhile, he understandably blocked
contact with me.
In December, one of my really good friends died from an overdose. The guy I liked decided to give me another chance a bit
before this happened, which made me so happy, but then when the friend I was talking about died, this guy told me how
he doesn’t care because he doesn’t know the guy and shit, he removed me soon after, and that is basically when the worst
period of my life began. My life was just crying all day wanting to kill myself but being too scared to because of the unknown,
and the physical pain. After a bit of this, I made a plan to kill myself. I’ve thought about it a lot before this point, but I never
truly felt like I was going to go through with it, but then, I honestly thought I was going to kill myself. I planned on doing it
valentine’s day. It didn’t have to do with the day itself, that’s just when I knew I would be alone. I decided not to do it because
I wouldn’t want my mother to have to find my body.
This is pretty much when my step dad turned into a huge fucking cock. We moved out of my grandparents, he was still nice for
awhile, but soon after he would constantly ***** at me for being so fat and out of shape, I would constantly go to the gym, I
was nearly starving myself because every time I would eat he would get pissed off at me for not trying hard enough. He also
wanted to get more in shape, he probably went to the gym twice and didn’t eat healthy at all yet he would constantly ***** at me
for not trying hard enough.
Then he started bitching at me to get a job. This is when I began to absolutely HATE his existence. I’ve been trying to find a job since
16, which he knows, but now I was trying harder just to try to shut him the fuck up. I would apply for jobs online constantly, go out
and hand out resumes, etc. He would STILL ***** at me telling me I’m not trying hard enough. He also constantly bitches at me for
smoking weed (the one thing that makes me feel ok) when he smokes it himself, more than me at the time.
I finally found a job in June as a dishwasher, shitty job, but I was so happy. I would finally be getting money for myself, that asshole
would finally shut up (so I thought, at least.) I was really happy for a month or so, then a job I had previously applied for contacted me,
and now my step dad is bitching at me more, trying to make me work both jobs because HE needs more money, because he decided taking
8 days off work when he supports him, my mom, and my baby sister was a good idea when he barely makes enough money for them as it is.
I don’t even feel physically capable of working both jobs. I am much more in shape than I used to be, but I honestly don’t think I would be
able to work both jobs, I tried telling him that but he doesn’t fucking listen. He tries to control me because he knows I’m 18 and he can kick
me out, and he knows I have really bad anxiety problems and it is almost impossible for me to speak up for myself.
I’m sorry for this wall of text but for the past couple of weeks I’ve been constantly breaking down and I have no friends who actually talk to me
anymore for whatever fucking reason. I can’t deal with my piece of fucking shit step dad anymore. I hate him more than anyone in the world.
He also constantly calls me a fag and stuff and I can’t fucking stand it. I can’t stand being lonely anymore, having no friends to talk to. Loneliness
is the worst feeling in the world, and I’m constantly lonely. I would smile so much just to have ONE friend who seems like they actually care about me
and want to talk to me, not just talk to me some times because they feel bad or whatever the fuck. Someone I can hug and such.
Anyway, thanks for giving me a place to let things out.
6 comments
Greetings. You are not alone. Most likely your grandparents and mother care about you. Strangers like oneself sympathize with each other here. However, don’t brood over loneliness. Busy yourself with some kind of activity. Cheer up. 🙂
I know at least my grandparents and mother care, even though they don’t really treat me that well anymore. I try not to constantly think about loneliness and such, but it’s just so hard 🙁 I don’t have like any friends to talk to anymore or anything. I try to distract myself, but I can’t help but think about it constantly.
Try to not perceive moments spent alone as sad ones. They allow you to relax and meditate, reconcile with yourself. Hikari could become your interlocutor. Not sure if you’d like that considering your previous experince. Anyway, it’s good to have you around.
You’re not the only one with not saving text issues, i just replied an answer and lost it when trying to send it, lol. That said, i do relate a lot to your post. I was obese growing up and had many of the issues you mention, including not having many friends and getting an idiot stepfather. I eventually left (my grandparents saved me), but i know not everyone has that option.
Is there a physical reason why your stepfather is leaving work? i mean, it’s good that he encourages you to take responsibility (either by losing weight or getting a job), but now it’s sounding more like he’s forcing you instead. I kinda know the type by reading some of what you wrote (i might be wrong tho), and i’m sorry to say that there’s not much you can do about it other than enduring it until you can move out (unless the rest of your family chimes in in your favor, which is still a possibility).
As for the loneliness thing, maybe interacting with people you have around (even at your work) might help, but like Hikari said above, not all lonely moments are sad, and sometimes they can be used to find solutions for our situations/problems.
Haha.
He only left work for 8 days so he could go visit family or something, while I do agree that visiting family is important, if you’re struggling financially as it is you probably shouldn’t be taking time off and then expecting your step kid to get another job just to help his ass.
At first he wasn’t that bad about the losing weight and work thing, but he talks to me like a child (threatening to kick me out and shit if I don’t find a job when he knew I was fucking trying to get one.) I will be attempting to work at the second job, although I highly doubt I’ll physically be able to in my shape.
I interact with the people at my work a fair amount, they are nice people and I consider them friends I guess. But when I ask them to do anything outside of work they say no or just flat out ignore my texts so idk.
I really appreciate that people are actually taking their time to at least try to help. It really means so much to me.
It does take time to get people to do stuff with you. Some people are just busy, and others will just not “connect” with you. There’s also people that wants to keep work and their private life completely separate. I’m saying all this because it’s likely one of those reasons, done it myself to others in the past (without noticing it). Maybe you’ll met someone at the second job, you never know. Took me years to get a couple of friends (which now are gone), so yeah, it’s hard.