I need new people with a fresh perspective in my life specifically to do with transgender issues. I’m so headfucked over this obviously it’s almost driving me to suicide once again. I’m in a dead end in Victoria with nothing but despair and self hatred. No money (which is fine), no friends (cool), no dreams (the kicker). All my dreams died with my old self dying. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t care about anything anymore. The only person I care about I have intense love hate cycles towards and she knows this. So every little thing she does triggers rage attacks.
I want to die. Die die die die die die die die. I’m dead inside. I don’t want to be a woman but I do. But I don’t. My past screams that it’s wrong to even think about transitioning and I just feel weird as fuck discovering I lived a fucking overt and dramatic lie for the past two and a half decades. I’m so head slammed and heart fucked. I feel like such a weirdo and like I let so many people down on here and in my real life. I failed as a man and I failed all my past ex gfs as a partner and man. I failed! And now I must face that the universe or whatever the fuck made a gargantuan mistake creating me. Why the fuck am I here? The butt of yet another joke. Self rejected and self hated: story of my life. I just want love but nobody can love this. My rage explosions as of late have been related to this inner turmoil I’ve been facing for eons. It has come to a head.
Not to say the lack of support on here the past month was fuckin’ greasy and disappointing. The fact anyone would attack anybody with a dream at all is mind boggling to me. Anyway now you have your wish assholes. I’m fuckin entrenched in confusion with bullets of self hate being shot left and right and I’m considering pulling the plug yet again because I’m too scared to face the real me. Hanging sounds nice eh? Tried tested and true. I do have the ******** email handy I believe. I could just fire him one and pay for it with my check at the end of the month. But it’ll take a couple weeks to get here. Too long. I’m going to kill myself. I always knew that I would and that it would be my destiny. It is my destiny to die by my own hand. I’ll literally be creating my destiny with my own hands. How grimly poetic and romantic. Romantic.
17 comments
Hey, I’m sorry, I’m a little confused on what you’re talking about when you say somebody was attacked for having a dream. That’s awful considering we should all support each other in a positive way and encourage others to live.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Making a decision to transition is not an easy one. It’s torturous and very confusing. Many don’t go through with a full transition because they feel trapped between two genders. It seems you are dealing with intense self-hatred that you need to figure out. You must accept yourself and build confidence first before others can accept and love you. Don’t let anyone tear you down for who are and what you wish to accomplish.
I do hope you decide to continue on instead of committing suicide. I understand your decision and wish the best for you, I just hope you will be able to find that peace and acceptance in life.
Erm, wait are ifuckedthequeen and kills the same person? Oh, I think I understand the situation now. I’m a little slow. Anyway, I hope things work out for you.
yeah its me fuck. i wish it wasnt
Oh, thanks for clearing that up. Well, I’m glad it’s you, you were always very nice to me. Well, I hope you’re okay.
You know, most likely you’ll hate me for this or call me an idiot or whatever, but i’ve been reading your posts (not all but most) from a long time and your dream is not the problem, it’s the attitude you take towards people when defending that dream. I do get that you are under major stress and i don’t dismiss the fact that when someone feels they are being attacked they are likely to attack back, but i’ve seen you insult people that didn’t mean to attack you at all (several times).
I’m all up for entitlement/empowerment and the pursuit of purpose and happiness, but there’s no need to stomp other people along the way just because they don’t agree with you. There’s also the fact that some people just can’t be around self entitled people (i’m usually on that boat), but hey, you can’t expect to be friends with anyone, that’s just not doable.
That said i’m sorry for all your current struggles. I’d really do some soul searching on the transgender thing tho, because like hiohneh says above you do sound trapped between both genders, so it’s natural that you feel confused and frustrated. You shouldn’t feel that you’ve failed as a man tho, we are what we are, and it takes two to tango on a relationship. And well, you do know that in the end you can only rely on yourself (you said it many things on the past), and while it’s kinda sad, it is true to some degree.
Hopefully you won’t feel attacked by this (is just an observation based on what i’ve seen here) and i do hope you reach your destination and that this is just another bump in the road for you.
hey i take that attitude after they attack or mock me. im never the one to take potshots first. never been my style and never will be. but i do have a zero tolerance for criticism that comes from a negative place.
let me ask you this: are we not all entitled and deserve happiness and peace and freedom to speech and our own identity? then if the answer is yes then you have a problem with a basic human right and all humanity because we are entitled fucks then
That’s the thing tho, at times we do misinterpret from where the criticism is coming from, because we all communicate differently. I remember seeing you insulting many people and their arguments weren’t really insult-deserving (just my opinion), but i’m not judging or attacking you regarding that, just pointing out how it could be misunderstood (in both ends).
Yeah, i’m all up for people being able to search for whatever makes them happy and expression of identity shouldn’t be denied for anyone (because like you say it’s a basic human right), but i do have this sort of… defense mechanism? that makes me cautious of people that project too much of that self entitlement. That is my fault, i do know that (and i’m working on it constantly), but there are also reasons for it, and same with the previous point, i was just pointing out that there are reasons why people don’t always react in a good way regarding over confident-self entitled people.
Fun thing tho, in a way i do think we all are self entitled fucks now that you mention it. Guess that’s it’s part of what makes us human.
i know mf but you cant deny some people were outright attacking me. i dont remember specifics but its all a jumble now. i was very mad. my internal conflict was at its peak. its tense being me without a doubt. i would challenge anyone to walk even a yard in my shoes…
some were voicing an opinion looking back but it was a hurtful opinion masked as fake benevolence for the greater good. like pretending to be the SP messiah and delegate whats morally right and wrong. ie: telling me that asking for money from fellow suicidal folks is wrong. I can see why one might think that, especially if i wasnt suicidal myself but it turned out to be a stupid comment in my opinion which is why i violently lashed out. as much as i hate this place; i love it too. its my place just as much as anyones and to com here and tell me what to do or whats right and wrong doesnt fly with me. especially if its helping me feel better and in turn helping other people (which it was) from my videos and adventure. and soem of these people i had history with and have known them for a while and knew things about them you didnt and dont. i have a subjective experience of these people as we all do. i may have over reacted a few times but at one point i went into troll mode because i was getting a reaction.
some of that projection may have also been bravado and a cover for this internal battle but there may also be some of that deep inside as well. who knows. im pretty confused right now
as for self entitled fucks. i think we are all inherently born with knowing we deserve love. but life vampires that belief out of us
I just googled “the Queen of England”, turns out she’s 89 years old. No one can ever accuse you of being an ageist (someone who discriminates against the elderly). 🙂
I sincerely hope that things work out for you. I hope you find answers that make your journey worthwhile. (I guess that’s what they call “self-discovery”).
Yeah, that’s pretty much why i refrained from making a comment back then. Lots of negativity was being thrown around (and in some cases just for the sake of it). But hey, what’s a little drama amongst suicidal people? The messiah thing… yeah, people tend to do that regardless of the consequences, they can be right or wrong but the attitude does get to you. I’ve been guilty of it in the past and the only thing i gathered from it is that everyone needs their own answers, even if you really think yours will fit them.
I agree with morris, in that i hope that things do work out for you, and yeah, if you’re trying to find yourself there’s usually a point where you are confused out of your mind… usually it happens when you’re nearing an answer (but don’t quote me on that).
@Morris: You really googled the queen of england’s age? lol. And here i was thinking i have too much free time on my hands.
@Mf; Yes I did. With a wealth of useless trivia available at my fingertips, how could I not? She’s poised to become the longest reigning monarch of England if she doesn’t kick the bucket soon. She’s been the Queen since she was 24 or so. Poor Prince Charles. Who the f*#k remains a prince at age 65 or so? I wonder if he’s hoping she’ll die so he can finally get the crown.
Man, that Queen has some staying power.
@Morris: Maybe he’s got the disney princess syndrome. Have you ever noticed how they never become queens even if they’ve lost their parents to the plague or whatever? they are ALWAYS princesses (is it princesses the term? princessi? whatever). Even after they marry with the usual guy that sweeps them away they are still PRINCESSES. Makes me wonder if Prince Charles is an undercover Disney fan.
As for the queen… god, i’ve met trees that have lived less than her.
It is what it is. Life is a play and we’re all actors playing our part. The bumbling fool might think he was destined to be the leading man, but that doesn’t mean he’ll ever get the role.
Oh well. Maybe it’s best not to set your sights too high. Expecting greatness is usually a set-up for disappointment. Lower your expectations and you’re less likely to be disappointed after you’ve failed. Dreams don’t always come true.
(Damn. I feel like a reverse motivational speaker now. This is shit you should never tell your kids).
it’s still better to dream and have to handle disappointment and try then to lower and think realistic and shrink your dream for fear of not making it though. I’d take disappointment and trial over self resentment and excuses any day of the week.
@ifuckedthequeen; Agreed. Go full steam ahead. Fly your freak flag and see who salutes it. I’m with you on the whole “chasing your dreams” thing. YOLO.
I think a lot of people have gender identity issues and it all comes down to learning to accept oneself. The body you’re in isn’t going to change who YOU are, so maybe it’s best to work with what you were born with and focus on reinventing yourself from within, I.e., “upgrading your mind,” so to speak. You don’t have to “transition” into a different body, just accept that you feel you have both a feminine and masculine side. Maybe you were denying your natural femininity for a long time and it’s only now just begun to appear. We all have a Yin and Yang no matter what gender we were born as. Undergoing surgery or taking hormones will ultimately not affect the person we are deep down inside. (That said, I do have great respect for anyone who does transition.)
im so fuckin confused.