So it has come to this

The time has come for this worthless trash to go….this might be one hell of a lame post considering my skills at writting ( at everything in fact ).

Anyway, how should I even start ? By the truth maybe, I’m a 21 years old loser who disagree with the meaning of his life. I always lived a loser’s life as far as I recall, but childhood innocence (I guess ) prevented me from realizing it, ignorance is bliss after all, starting as an hyperactive, but outgoing kid able to make friends, to a slowly (but surely) shying away teenager, and adult too for that matter, that would never be able to enjoy any sort of social company for more than a couple hours, and that will have to build up an acting routine to try-desperatly try- not to look lame and inspire disrespect from every human being he meets.

Sorry if I digress sometimes, ADHD doesn’t seem to help with that, so for a start here’s this loser’s official medical bio :

born ADHD  + Chronic Stress Disorder –> Clinical depression + BP

This genetically gifted profile, as one can see gave me all the skills to succeed in life, thanks to my ability to overstress mentally and physically about the most trivial things (getting nervous to the point of physical pain) I was able to avoid burning out, and save myself from a devastating depression that would have led me to carefully plan my death for months.

I wouls also realise that I lost and will never get a decent social stamina too, getting litteraly bored of social interaction, and overall just messing up and looking either like a creep/weirdo/loser/one of those guys that no one wants to hang out with.

ah, the joys of childhood !

but soon hitting 18, moving to college alone, starting anew…. starting anew my A**, the problem was never with others it was always with me I was never able to socialize, never able to enjoy social activities, never able to be skilled in public. But at that point, I was still able to deal with it and started living on autopilot, (a legitimate zombie I was, maybe that’s how I survived).

Maybe it would also be relevant to mention that , concerning the romance department, I’m one of those individuals that will NEVER EVER EVER EVER get anything close to a girlfriend, a fact that is as correct as Newton’s Laws on earth,  but working to no avail to overcome my natural shyness, I still had the guts to ask out many girls during my short life, the fact that they ALL ended up in rejection, resulted in an interesting phenomenon : I litteraly lost attraction to girls, just to make it clear : I’m astronomically far from being gay or feeling attracted to guys in any way, but strangely I do not feel any sort of physical or emotional attraction to female either.

what else should be said… oh yeah, poor family and stuff, gotta do all kinds of works that I won’t talk about for years to get the cash to reduce the loan I took for college. the only luck I though I had was to be healthy physically. even though my physical constittution is closer to a mosquito than a lion, no matter how hard I workout or fight I still have such a frail bone structure, whereas people who barely moved their A** in their lives still were born with hands that could crush mine with no effort. So yeah, sorry if I digress but being physically weak (150lbs for 5’11” ft ) added to strengthen the idea that my place is amongst the omega rather than the alpha.

I’m now a graduate student in Computer Science, and frankly can’t take anymore of this s***,  living life is about adapting to its rules but I don’t want to, and furthermore I just can’t, no one taught me life’s rules I had to figure them out myself BUT I’m a very slow learner, but there’s always a choice and I made the relieving one : I don’t want responsibilities anymore, I don’t wanna wake up/eat/drink/deal with people anymore, it all doesn’t make any sense. the time has come to act and end it all. maybe what’s left of my ego just wanted to try and puke my sorrow in some deep well of nothingness, ( just joking, how can a cockroach have ego right ?)

So that’s it i guess…. took me 1h to write this crap,  everyone home will be asleep in about an hours, so I’ll have some private time….everything is set . Wish me luck and sorry if anyone had to witness my lack of writing skill

so long.