I started freshman year of high school with slight signs of depression. I was at a stage were i hate myself. I didn’t like anything about myself. I had plenty of friends, but none who i felt i could confide in. I felt alone and worthless.
I told a few friends about how I felt, but i only told them vaguely. They all would go on rants about how amazing i was and that in no way was i worthless. I never believed them.
School started and it was getting harder. I was starting to develop an anxiety disorder. Before then i had never felt this kind of anxiety. I started eating less. I would skip breakfast and never bring a lunch to school. I slowly stopped going to social gatherings.
Then in November, my small private school took the entire high school to Israel for 10 days. The experience was amazing, and not to mention the senior who asked me to be his date to the school banquet (our version of prom). It wasn’t really that weird because a lot of the seniors were taking freshman as a joke. The difference was, he actually talked to me. We practically talked every night for hours.
I told him about my depression. He expressed how hurt he was for me and he sounded so sincere. A couple nights before the banquet he told me that we couldn’t be friends anymore. I was so hurt. He was my closest friend i had. I told him everything. I needed him. I asked him why and he said it was because he was starting to actually like-like me, and he figured i didn’t feel the same way and he couldn’t bare that thought.
I was so desperate for a friend, i told him that i did feel the same. It was a huge lie, but i kept telling myself, he was the only one there for me. We silently agreed to hook up the night of the banquet.
The day of banquet arrived and i chickened out. I told him i couldn’t do it. He was so hurt and i felt so bad, i asked if we could talk it through instead of him being sad. He reluctantly agreed. That night we went outside to talk. Before we went inside i kissed him. We made out, but not for long at all. I was beyond hating myself then. It was so unlike me to do something like that. We went back inside and i cried in a bathroom for like an hour. That night i went home and cut myself for the first time.
We stayed in that “friends with benefits” for a long time (no sex just making out). I constantly would try to stop it, but then he would go on about depressed he was and then he started cutting himself and he would show me pictures of his cuts. I kept telling him to stop, but as long as we weren’t “together” he wouldn’t. So eventually i would go back to him in hopes he would stop. With every fight we had his depression got worse and my guilt grew more and more. I was so depressed, i barely left my room when i was home and my anxiety was getting worse.
All the while rumors were going around about us. The suckish part about them, was that they were true.
One day in school, we had a community service day. The school gave like 10 options of service you could sign up to do. The senior and i signed up for one together. The task was supposed to be over at 3:00, but we finished at like 12:00. With all the time together, we hung out and made-out. But we found ourselves in the empty and pitch black auditorium, and thats when things got worse, well for him i guess you can say better. We didn’t have sex, but his fingers went exploring- no more details needed.
I was distraught. I couldn’t sleep for days. I have never told anyone this before. It almost a whole year later and i still cry and im still scared of the dark. I dream about it sometimes and i wake up in hysterics.
I still can’t seem to hate him. Im angry at him, very angry, but i don’t hate him. It was my fault all along. I could’ve stopped it, but i didn’t. The blame is all mine, but i don’t think i can live with that anymore. No one understands what im feeling and i can never tell anyone about it.
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You might want to consider talking to a therapist at school, not necessarily about this, but about the symptoms you are having before you met him. I was diagnosed with depression and around 14 and half of the people that have touch me, I didn’t want them to. The problem with boundaries comes from having a lack of value for yourself due to the depression or the anxiety or whatever they might diagnose you with. The more this happens with him, the less value you have for yourself. It’s going to be an unbreakable cycle after a point, you need to break the cycle
You really think talking to my school guidance consuler will help?
You really think talking to my school guidance consuler will help?
I generally have a low opinion of school guidance counselors, but your school is a private one so they can afford someone skilled. On the other hand, if it’s an ultra religious school their first reaction may be to hit him with a bible instead if listening to him.
DO tell them you are worried about him because he’s depressed. DO tell them if his attentions have become more than you can deal with. And, sadly, be prepared for him to act angry and accuse you of betraying him over this.
I’m sorry this is getting laid at your doorstep. From this point on if anyone accuses you of “just being a kid” you have every right to spit in their eye. Welcome to adulthood.
She’s not an adult. She’s a girl.
It must have been very difficult for you to open up even here. I am sorry you had to go through all of that for so long. More than you were ready for. Sounds like you have some serious PTSD symptoms. I hope you will be all right.
Someone posted a photograph of a forearm cut very badly here the other day. I never saw anything like that before, and I hope I never do again.
In some other time or place, someone your age would be starting to have kids and all that. That isn’t your world though. You live in a world where you can take time to get ready and do it all carefully if you really try to and think things through.
But your body doesn’t know that. Your body is producing all these hormones that are supposed to make you want to have sex right now. Your mind is being conditioned to make you really, really, really want to care for a baby because that is what makes it more likely that you would try hard to do so if you had one, which nature intended you to start doing by this age.
Guys love to take advantage of that in a culture where getting married and having a baby are usually postponed till a little or a lot later, because it makes it easy to get laid and easy to manipulate a girl into feeling obligated. And as long no baby shows up, all those emotions–all that love and devotion and willingness to sacrifice–that were meant to be spent on a baby can be spent on that guy because the girl needs to spend it on something or she thinks she will go crazy. And she isn’t thinking about babies yet. She wants a lover.
It can’t hurt to talk to a counselor.
Reading is good too. I do not know what you read. Hopefully something besides The Fault in Our Stars or SLUT, The Play.
Do you like psychology?
I like reading about psychology. It can really put your head in a better place, give you an objective perspective on human behavior. It can help you understand things that have happened to you and help you deal with the emotional consequences of unpleasant experiences and help you grow. It can help you to understand the way people act and help you feel more like what you know is okay to think, and that can help you stick to your principles without feeling guilty or uncertain.
You might want to consider visiting Amazon.com and search “emotional manipulation” in books, and then read some reviews written by customers who have read the books with titles and ratings that catch your attention. Then visit the library or buy and read one or two of them. I just bought “Who is Pulling your Strings?” by Dr. Harriet Braiker Ph.D. after reading the last book she wrote before she died, “The Disease to Please”, which is about people who find it difficult to say no to others. You might like both of those books too.
I think you should really try to do what you can to gain a broader perspective, one that takes into consideration all that lies ahead of you so you can look forward to that instead of feeling afraid, a perspective which allows you to accommodate and honor the values you care about. I am not just talking about religion, but the basic principles you believe in living by that make up your personal character and give you strength. Not that caring about that guy is a weakness, but you do not want to have your vulnerabilities exploited. And, by the way, I agree with Wonderlustbudz, that this sort of thing can undermine your self-esteem, which can leave you feeling very emotionally dependent on such a person even if it goes terribly wrong.
And right now is your time. It should be about you. You can care about that guy and whomever else you want to care about without losing who you are to them.
I can kind of relate to you, but not closely, I guess. I had OCD, and anxiety disorder or whatever, since I was a boy. It was bad by the time I was a high school student, and I became depressed, suicidal once or twice. Today I suffer badly from depression and anxiety. I am by myself pretty much all the time, and have been for some years, which is not good at all for a person.
I wake up terrified almost every time these days. It physically hurts and is just such an awful emotional state. During the past year I experienced some pretty hysterical events. I was acting like some crazy person in movie or something. Sad. And there were these attacks several times a day during which it felt like a spear was thrust into my heart. I lost a lot of weight, 50lbs in two months during the worst of it. Much of that had to do with someone betraying my trust, the only person I had trusted for years, the only person I had to confide in. It was way more than I could cope with.
I was a teenager once, more than once if you know what I mean. They were older girls, but it was completely consensual. So there was no trauma involved, just disgust and regret and self-reproach. I felt like I lost something I could never get back. But I was still a teenager when I decided that I would wait till I got married to do anything like that again. I kept that promise to myself, and it helped to do so.
Sorry that got so long. I hope you will be okay. I am sure you care about good things. Try to give yourself good things. And try to forgive yourself.
I hope it does not seem like I think the matter of your ages was unimportant. It was just that no one else was making an issue of it. 28 and 24 is no big deal, but 18 and 14 (or whatever) is a different matter. A crime, I guess. Maybe he was only 17. What do I know? But there is a big difference in the assumption of maturity, which seems ironic here. I wonder if you feel to blame or if you just think you should feel that way. The whole thing sounded very unfair to me. It is still hard for me to believe the way some people can act to get what they want.