I’m so done with life honestly. Literally no one likes me anymore. Everyone hates me or uses me. I feel like I’m at rock bottom right now. I just got a job, but that’s only because my mom pushed me. I literally rely on getting drugs or getting intoxicated somehow at least everyday. And I go crazy when I don’t. I’ve now slept with 10 people within a year and my friends are all telling me once I hit 11 I’m a slut and I really feel like it’s true. I’m literally a fuck up. My family doesn’t even like me anymore or give a fuck. My friends want me to go to rehab and get help but I literally do not think I can. I’m so scared. Everyone already hates me now. What if everyone finds out everything I’ve done? I will literally wanna kill myself then. I already get made fun of. I can’t even believe what I’m doing with my life. I was even supposed to go to tech school for culinary arts in October but I fucked that up and refused to go and apply. I just wanna be better.. I want these scars and cuts to be gone. I wanna stop thinking about killing myself all the time. But then sometimes dying seems like the best option. I’m literally an abomination on this world. I’ve never written this out and I realize how fucked up I am. I’m fucking 18 and I’ve literally screwed up everything. I just want someone to actually be there and care. I haven’t even had a father figure since he went to jail when I was 6. I’m so scared that one day soon will be my last. But then I also don’t feel scared and feel like it will be a relief. Then I also wanna fix everything that I’ve fucked up. I’m tired of living this way.. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done to anyone that I actually care about..
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Sending some love your way-you’re not an abomination. You really just have a set of problems with ready solutions. First, get into rehab for drinking/drugs, they can help you get clean.
Secondly sort your social life out. Some people might be hard on you because they truly care about you and want you to do better-it might seem harsh but they might see you’re heading for a disaster. Other people are just toxic and mean-who like to berate you while you suffer. Get rid of that crowd. What you need right now is people who help build your self-esteem, not tear it down.
Thirdly you’re not a slut-but you’re probably sleeping around for the wrong reasons. If you want to be in a healthy relationship, then you need to build one with one good guy or girl-whatever you’re into.
Fourth, rebuild your relationship with your mom-she’s probably the best support you have in life. Admit that you’ve F’d up but you want to sort things out and need her help. Just imagine trying to do things while living on your own-it’s next to impossible.
Then I’d suggest getting some higher education-whatever interests you have, so you have a legit career-because you don’t want to be stuck in any lowly dead-end job, that’ll just push you into wanting to end your life. Hope that helps.