I never thought it would be like this. I never thought I’d want to end my life. When I first thought about it, it scared me but now I’m embracing it. I’m rude, selfish, annoying,stupid, everything you can think of. Im mad though, at my self mostly. Why couldnt I be happy? Why am I such a *****? Why? Why do I always mess everything up? My parents hate me, im failing two classes already, i dont have any close friends. But most of all, I’m tired. Im tired of being alone, Im tired of hating my self so much and most of all, Im tired of crying and worrying that nobody will ever love me. But how much longer can I take this?
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I’ve been rude, annoying, obnoxious, cruel, idiotic, selfish, and jealous. I’ve also shared, listened, gave, helped, complimented, and loved. I’ve been happy and unhappy, made stupid mistakes, done a few wonderful things, and everything else that fits the spectrum of human. Congratulations, you’re one too. There is somebody for everybody no matter how screwed up you think you are, but it won’t hurt you to love yourself (it does wonders for your self-esteem). You can take this as long as you have some belief, no matter how small, that you can.
It used to scare me too. You shouldn’t be mad at yourself. People aren’t just good or bad… they act good or bad, and usually a mixture of both. Feeling like this, not being happy, it can make you act differently. It’s not as bad anymore, but I still get really irritable. I used to act very, very mean as a kind of shield, because I was anxious and afraid of everyone. It doesn’t make you become a bad person though.
Don’t be alone. Make friends. People here can keep you afloat, stop you drowning. It can make a big, big difference.
These are all part of being human- and all of us have been stupid or annoying or rude or just plain horrible to be around. And from what I’ve learned, you can’t hold your bad qualities against yourself, because you will self-implode. And I really do not want that to happen to you. You do not have to climb this mountain alone love. We will all climb up it again-together. Maybe, every day, tell yourself one good thing about you. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing; it could just be “hey my fingernails look nice” or “you know, I own some damn cute shoes.” A positive look at yourself can move mountains. And this may seem impossible now, but just give it a shot. You deserve to give yourself a chance- to love yourself again.
Everyone has good and bad characteristics. The thing is, now that you’re aware of them, you can change them or mold them in order to become a better person, not for others, but for yourself. There’s also the possibility that you’re just being to hard on yourself and that you’re not all that things that you mention, but i have no way of knowing. Also keep in mind that at some point in life, even the best of people do some damage, because none of us is perfect. Like Take a Deep Breath said, you do deserve to give yourself a chance if you want to, and the only way of doing that is embracing who you are, changing whatever you feel is needed for you to be at peace with yourself. I wish you luck with that, hopefully you’ll find a way.