…is all I feel now. Which is ironic really seeing as its pretty much “feeling’ nothing at all.
I Have been depressed for many years, and suicidal through periods of this time. However I now feel so close its almost like I’m not even in control anymore.
I was in a car accident last week (not a deliberate action might I add..) but all I could think of when I moved my car to a safer place by the side of the road was “I wish I’d died”. There had been an accident right before ours so there were ambulance and police there already who saw the whole thing. I was dying to tell them I needed putting somewhere for my own good as all I wanted to do was die. But I panicked that they would think I actually meant to have that crash on purpose which definitely wasn’t the case. Anyway myself and the other party walked away unharmed.
I then spent the next few days wandering around in an apathetic state. (Even more removed from life around me than before) and things finally came to a head when after a few glasses of wine I stood leaning over a bridge contemplating jumping off it to my death. I guess failed attempts in the past have made me cautious about the way in which I end my life in case I end up actually surviving. So before I knew it I was on the train home.
I guess all I’m here for is to jot down how I’m currently feeling (or not feeling) to those who may have a slight understanding of being in a permanent disassociative state.
8 comments
I understand completely. I’ve been worse than I am now, to the extent that I could hardly speak to people. Actually, I think that’s happening again somewhat. It’s currently less severe, but I know the feeling of not being in control. I’m so sorry you feel that way. Have you considered asking for immediate help since the car crash?
Thanks Trix. I am sorry that you’ve felt this way too. I’m struggling to speak and it’s awful. My reactions to everything are so delayed.
I’m honestly not sure where to start with it? I have a therapist who I’ve seen for a year now. I get on with her but that’s about it. I have a partner and in some ways it’s harder to ask for help as I find myself playing down how I feel so much of the time just to make sure people around me feel ok. Its so tiring!!
Yeah, I can imagine how exhausting that must be. When I said immediate help I meant hospitalisation (though I wasn’t recommending it). I’ve heard of intensive outpatient programs. I don’t know if you need immediate help, but if you feel unsafe maybe you should think about those options. It doesn’t sound like the therapy’s doing much good, so it might be time to look for an alternative/additional treatment. Playing down how you feel is kind to the people around you, but you need to be recognised and ideally treated to come out of this state. Keep in mind that the dissociation is a symptom of depression. When it gets worse I always wish I could feel more of the pain and less dissociated from everything – I find it’s one of the worst symptoms – but it is a symptom regardless, so if you find anything to lift your mood and depression in general, you’ll feel more ‘real’ and more in control. I know this is all pretty obvious but it’s worth remembering. In my case it distorts reality to such an extent that it feels like a problem in itself, and feels more oppressive and permanent than any other symptom.
I don’t have constant states of disassociation just small bouts but i’m terrified of it, it’s a scary feeling
I get what you’re saying. Apathy is both a curse and a blessing, because it can get you through some pretty rough stuff, but it also can lead you to a vicious cycle (which leads into not finding sense in anything). Been there many times (in a way i’d say i’ve never been able to break from it).
That said (i just read your above comment) and even if it’s nice and good that you care about those around you, it’s not so good that you have to wear out yourself in order to not bother them. While it’s true that we often play down our problems in order to save those we care about from dealing with it, i’d say it’s best to look for help.
I don’t know about others, but if i had someone important that is faking it to make me feel good while wearing themselves out, i’d really prefer for them to be honest and ask for help instead.
I agree with that.
Thanks everyone for your comments and concerns. Its nice to feel listened to and understood. I’ve been into a&e before (I’m from the UK) after overdosing and they just sent me home. I don’t really know where to begin with looking for immediate support. They don’t seem to just hospitalise people here, it seems they do that more with people in the midst of a psychotic episode rather than “just depressed”. Even in the mental health world it still feels as though depression and suicidal feelings aren’t being treated with much concern unless you are already stood on the roof of a building.
I have a community psych nurse who is pretty useless (he advised me that because I have a job and a partner that I must be ok) basically feeding the stereotype that you can’t be feeling suicidal and really bad unless you haven’t washed in months and can’t leave the house. (Which is the state I get in eventually when I’ve exhausted all avenues of help). Its frustrating that in such a tiring state you have to go on this big journey to find anyone who will listen but if you break your leg, you go to the hospital and they take the responsibility and sort everything out for you.
Sorry, feel I’ve gone off on a tangent there…
Might just give my CPN a call and see where I go from there. If anyone has any other ideas of what I can do and what things have worked for you I’m all ears…
I’ve always thought it’s a shame that they’ve closed so many hospitals here. When I was younger and more ill, I wanted to go to one so badly and be somewhere where I could be safe and had people trying to treat me without it being drawn out with months of waiting. The only available options are private though, unless, like you say, you’ve lost all control over yourself. Even then, they push people out of hospital ridiculously early – and have to, because of the lack of resources.
I have ME/CFS and the only help that the NHS can give ME patients are standard tests to rule out other diseases and adding you to a long waiting list for your local ME clinic. I think some of the information that the clinic gives us has quite serious faults, but all they can do is help you live with the illness. While there are no standard cures, some people find cures or ways to get somewhat better elsewhere. People don’t usually think of doing this with depression, where you tend to get told that they can cure you, although different things will work for different people. The financial aspect is always a major issue, but looking into alternative cures is an option. It’s not something I’d usually do (I’m always skeptical about them), but when you really don’t know what else to do you might as well look wherever you can. In the quite recent past, meditation and mindfulness were seen as alternative and a bit daft by a lot of people, but they’re often encouraged by doctors now, and there are mindfulness courses on the NHS – so you never know, there might be something of substance out there. 🙂