since i was here last, things have been getting steadily worse and worse in my mind. i’m lonely as ever, but can’t go outside or talk to people because of my social phobia. i still live in my little shoebox of a room, where i’m on the internet all day, every day, because if i don’t have that connection i’ll be completely alone. all i want right now is love, something i’ve never had. i want a boyfriend. but i’ll never be loved because i do not look like a model, and it sucks knowing this. it hurts to not be touched or anything, it makes me feel like i’m diseased and that i must not be a real person. i have a little over five hundred bucks right now. i’d pay someone to have sex with me or even just cuddle me. but i’m too ugly and there’s not enough money in this world (or any other world).
last night i got real drunk and made an ass of myself. i got in a fight with my mom and woke my dad up, who told me to shut the hell up. this basically sent me flying into a rage. i slammed doors and screamed at my dad that i would kill him. then i cut and bruised my arm. it’s pretty banged up and i won’t be able to sleep on that side for a while. all because my mom was trying to tell me i’m better off than her because i’ve never had anyone, so my heart has never been broken (or so she thinks). i tried explaining to her that i am heartbroken, because nobody wants me. i tried getting her to understand that not having someone to love you is NOT a blessing. and she mocked me.
so you know what. i’m done. i need help, but i’m not going to fucking bother getting it. i should not even exist right now, to be honest. why did i have to be conceived? why do i have to be the misfit, even in my own family? i’d give anything right now to be someone else, someone lovable.
1 comment
Firstly 99% of people don’t look like models, most people are average or ‘ugly’ by comparison. Unfortunately ordinary people want to have kids because they’re selfish fucks, so we get stuck with their looks and go through live with the same flaws and shortcomings our idiot parents had.
I used to look better when I was younger and there’s just no comparison-the thrill you feel when someone you find attractive finds you attractive as well. I’m in my early 40s now and out of shape, so I rarely get any attention from girls I like. I’m not trying to rub it in, but to simply say it really is better to be more attractive.
Ugly people should be sterilized in my view…to an extent I believe in eugenics, the bettering of the species, let the degenerates die out, build a race of strong, smart, beautiful people. I meant to say something to make you feel better, but I’m going in the wrong direction. Sorry, lol.
I doubt you’re that unattractive (unless you’re the elephant-man, in which case I can’t offer hope), so I’m sure you can find someone out there-so long as you’re willing to maybe lower your standards. Most people want someone who is usually above their level-but I’m sure there are guys in a similar situation as you.
In my case I’ll admit I’m unwilling to settle for less, since I’m used to dating attractive girls so I’d rather stay single then date someone I’m not attracted to. But I’ve seen some of my unattractive friends pull it off, they’ve dated girls that are above them in looks.
As for your parents, I can understand your rage/anger, I went through it also…you hate them for putting you here and it was a mistake they made, but nothing can be done about it now. They probably didn’t care or think about the consequences their actions would have on their offspring as I mentioned earlier. Nothing you can do about that now-forge your own way in the world. Use your parents help to get you where you want to be. Or live on your own-whatever you prefer.
In terms of finding a companion, you just have to put yourself out there. Also there’s plenty of guys willing to sleep with less attractive girls just to get laid-trust me on that. So go to clubs, book stores, malls, etc…start flirting. Sometimes a less attractive girl can seem more attractive if she can pull off being sexy and mysterious-plus you get to wear makeup, which is an advantage us guys don’t have. 🙂 Good luck.