I have this friend, for privacy reasons I’ll call her Jane.
Jane victimizes herself. If you don’t know what that mean, it basically means that in any situation she is always the victim. She’s the one who’s been wronged and she’s never wrong. Of course, that isn’t true, we’ve ALL been wrong at one point or another, but she just won’t admit it.
So at the moment we’re in a huge fight, and I really want to remain being friends with her, but she’s driving me insane. I have explained so many times why I’m mad, and she just doesn’t ‘get it’. She keeps telling me I’m accusing her of stuff, which maybe I am, but she’s accusing me of stuff too. And when I tell her that she just says I’m accusing her again. I can’t have a rational conversation with this girl and it’s really annoying. I am trying to be the bigger person by constantly apologizing and trying to understand the argument from her point of view.
But then, I realized something, why should I try so hard when she doesn’t even bother? I’ve apologized (yes, I counted) around four times so far. She’s apologized once, and before she even said ‘I’m sorry’ she basically bashed me. Now I still want to remain friends with her because I know she’s a good person deep inside. But I can’t do anything with her constantly victimizing herself. So many of my friends understand and they’re trying to help me, but I feel like the only one that can help is herself.
What I really just want to tell Jane is that she can’t expect other people to understand her feelings and apologize to her when she doesn’t bother to do that to them.
“Apologizing does not always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.”
I know I said I want to remain friends with her, but really, should I even bother?
11 comments
“Apologizing does not always mean that you are wrong
and the other person is right. It just means that you value
your relationship more than your ego.” – Absolutely.
I think you should walk away and quit interacting with Jane for a while. If she values your friendship she might seek you out. If she doesn’t… then the drama isn’t worth it.
It sounds like the kind of relationship Jane wants is one where she can cut you down and have you stick around. If that’s your thing then go for it.
People who react like that usually have really low self-esteem, and their way of dealing with criticism is to try to ignore it so they don’t have to accept the way it makes them feel about themselves. I’ve done it in the past, and I’ve also had friends who did it. It can be intensely annoying, and if she’s being this stubborn about it you can’t really force the issue further with her. I’d take a bit of distance and tell her why – but be ready to accept her if she comes back to you to apologise or talk about it with more of an open mind.
I was considering taking a bit of distance, but she’s also going through a rough time in her life so I’m afraid she might do something drastic.
Oh, I see. Maybe there’s a way you could mention it to her first so she sees how much it’s bothering you – I realise that’s difficult though because it could sound like a threat. But if it’s that bad it might just be something you have to do (in the nicest way possible).
Thank you all for your advice, I’ve actually also discussed this with my parents and they told me I should just cut ties completely with Jane. This isn’t the first time she’s drove me insane, haha. Maybe I’m just a masochist. I would leave her, but I’m also afraid of my other friends turning on me for hurting her.
Are you romantically involved with her? I don’t understand why a platonic friend would hurt themselves if you decided it was best to stop talking to them for a while. That’s… um, that’s the definition of an unhealthy, codependent friendship (no offense).
If someone is already on the edge and possibly not that well, a close friendship breaking down could be a pretty major trigger.
Nope, not romantically involved. Sometimes friendships are close enough that you want it to last. No offense taken, I understand that it’s an unhealthy friendship. Maybe I should just stop talking with her.
Hello, I know everyone probably forgot about this already, but I just needed to get this out there.
Jane is furious at me, and I’m terrified. I don’t want to answer her calls or texts, I just want to hide into a bundle of blankets and pretend I don’t exist. The only reason now I was trying to be nice to her was because we’re partners for a school project and I’m not sure if I can switch partners.
But that’s it, I know I can’t save myself from this again. So I know this is unfair of me to say this but, JANE IF YOU ARE SOMEHOW READING THIS I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF.
Is that angry because of school project or angry because you aren’t being her punching bag?
You should be able to switch partners or do it alone. Tell your teacher the (abbreviated) truth.
I understand being scared, but keep in mind this isn’t your fault. Some people never learn to play nice with others.