My story

Wow, where do I even begin? I guess I’ll start by introducing myself. My name is Illya. I’m a 28 year old guy from Belgium. Why am I on this forum? I just wanted to share my story. No one in my life knows what I’m about to write. Not even my mother knows everything. She knows several things, but not all of it. I have no idea why I’m writing this down. I know it’s completely insignificant, but I guess I just need it.

I’ll start with my youth. I never knew my father. I only heard stories about him. He was a bad man who used to beat my mother. Apparently he left my mother as soon as I was born. He told my mother and her family that he didn’t want anything to do with me, ever. I was raised by my mother and her boyfriend. The problem is, my surrogate father wasn’t that great either. He had a drinking problem, and the alcohol made him violent towards me and my mother. My mother always protected me. So she had to endure the worst of it. One day when I was 12 years old he came home drunk again. The typical yelling started and I couldn’t take it anymore. He was strangling my mother and without hesitation I picked up the kitchen knife and stabbed him in the back. Luckily I didn’t kill him. After that the situation drastically changed. He changed. He didn’t drink that much anymore and the violence disappeared. It lasted 8 years. After that my mother and I left him. She didn’t love him anymore and she finally had the courage to do the right thing. I really used to hate him when I was young. Looking back at it now, I actually pity him. The hate has vanished and I realize that he wasn’t a bad man like my father. He just had an alcohol problem. It brought out the worst in him. My mother still visits him from time to time. I can’t blame her for that.

When I just started living with my mother it felt like a new beginning, and I’m convinced that for a year I was actually happy for the first time in my life. I started to study at a school for adults who never finished secondary education (what’s called high school for people in the United States). In the beginning it went well, but something happened. I still don’t know how I got it, but something happened to my lips. They started to crust really badly. I began to apply the usual things. All sorts of lip balms but none of them worked. I went to see dermatologists. They concluded that it wasn’t an allergic reaction, and most of them prescribed special lip balms. Again, none of those actually worked. This went on for years. I tried literally everything. Different toothpaste, different diet, vitamins and minerals, etc. It was incredibly frustrating and it was beginning to seriously impact my state of mind. It took me much longer to achieve my “high school” degree. The situation with my lips ruined so much. I never was really social, but I’m convinced that it gave me a form of social anxiety. If you walk around with lips like that for so long it can really affect your confidence and overall attitude.

Anyway, just over two years ago I got my “high school” degree. I also found out that my lip ailment is called exfoliative cheilitis. Apparently most dermatologists have never even heard of it. It’s extremely rare, and there seems to be no cure. I just accepted the fact that I would probably be afflicted with this for the rest of my life. I started studying history at the university and I completely forgot any form of social life. I always wanted a girlfriend but I lost the confidence to approach anyone. Who would possibly want someone with such hideous lips? The worst part is that I was always told that I’m a good looking guy. I didn’t care anymore. My only solace was my cat that I had for almost 13 years. He was my best friend. You can’t believe how much love and warmth such an animal can give you. A few months after I started at the university he (my cat) died. I couldn’t believe it. I knew he was already old, but there was no sign that he was going to die anytime soon. I just wanted him with me for another year or two. Within less than a week he stopped eating and drinking. After the vet told me and my mother that he was beyond saving we put him to sleep in an animal clinic. I was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t cope with the loss. A lot of people don’t understand that the loss of a pet can be so heartbreaking. It took me almost 6 months to truly recover from it. The whole situation caused me to lose interest in my university career. My grades were going down fast and I began to suffer severe depression. I decided to continue with my history degree even though I knew that I lacked the motivation. I fooled myself into thinking that I could make it. I told myself that I would commit suicide if I failed at university again. Yes, thoughts of suicide creeped inside my head for the first time in my life. I even knew how I was going to do it and when. I will not share the method that I found because that would be blatantly against the rules of this forum, but I planned to do it in August of this year.

My depression lasted to the beginning of this year. The reason I lost it was because I met someone online. A young woman. I first met her on a random YouTube video in November last year. We started a conversation in the comments section. She was so intelligent and interesting. Before I knew it she invited me on Google Hangouts. We started talking in private. The more I talked to her, the more I got the feeling that she was someone very special. After a while I fell in love with her. I couldn’t believe it. I knew that I was going to fail at university again and I made my decision to end it all. But she gave me hope again. I told her about my feelings and she said she felt the same way. For the first time in a very long time I felt happy again. I saw a future for myself with her. She lived in London and we made plans that I would eventually move to London. I told her that I would most likely quit university and just look for a job to save money. I loved her so much. We talked almost every day. After 9 months she was going to come to Belgium for a few days, but she backed out at the last moment. I told her that I would at least like to talk to her on Skype. After a small delay she finally wanted to appear on Skype. That’s when the truth finally came out. I could only hear a voice, and it was the voice of a man. It was like the ground was pulled from underneath me. I was in a state of pure disbelief and shock. I realized that all the pictures I had seen were false. Not only that, I trusted everything to that person. I told everything. Every secret. I felt abused and empty. All hope I had for a future shattered instantly. As soon as I found out that the voice was of a man I lost all contact with the person. The profile was deleted. I also found out that this man, whoever he is, had done this to other people as well. He had more than a dozen fake profiles all over YouTube and Twitter. It’s sick. I still want to know why. Why would anyone do this? It’s not that he gained any money from this or something. It’s like a twisted hobby. It sickens me. I will never find out the reason. Looking back at it. I know that I was blind. I should have known better. I was such a fool. I just wanted to believe it. I’m an atheist, but now I understand how powerful belief can actually be.

Now, I’m back in the darkness. I look at my life and I can only see failure. Most of that failure is of my own making. I’m 28 years old and I still live with my mother. I have failed in every possible aspect of my life. I have achieved nothing. I have experienced nothing. I have no real friends anymore. I have pushed them all away. All I can think of is a peaceful and painless death. Every day I go to sleep wishing I wouldn’t have to wake up. I lack the energy to do anything. I feel so tired and worthless. Thinking about how I wasted the best years of my life fills me with utter despair. The only thing I now know is that in the end I was just looking for intimacy. I’ve never been with a woman. It’s not just that I want to experience sex, but more importantly I want to experience the warmth that comes with a relationship. Knowing and feeling that you have this special someone that you can go to. So many people take it for granted. Whenever I see a loving couple I think by myself; do they realize how lucky they are? As for me, I’m still stuck with this horrible lip condition that just won’t go away. It has literally destroyed my life. Or more accurately, I have let it destroy my life. I’m a pathetic excuse for a human being. The hopelessness and loneliness has become unbearable. Now, more than ever, I’m convinced that I’m going to kill myself soon. I just want it all to end. I want to sleep forever.

Wow, I have written far too much. I’m pretty sure no one is going to read all of this. Anyway, I hope humanity will achieve technological adolescence, but I won’t be a part of its future. I have nothing to live for. I know it will break my mother’s heart, but I can’t take this darkness anymore.