I’m afraid of this being the worst birthday ever for me. Not that it’s ever meant anything before. Only once as a little kid was my birthday really celebrated. I was maybe 4 or 5 and my mom had a friend from work who shared my birthday so he came over for dinner and she had a cake with both our names on it and he gave me a toy guitar and strung it up left handed for me. Then a couple of weeks later my mom threw it out because “music is the work of the devil” and all that. At some point when I was a kid, she tried to have a birthday party for me but no one came. After that it’s been nothing. When I was homeless in Seattle, my grandma would send me some money around my birthday and a lot of other street kids were Sagittarians and we’d get together and I’d buy us a few pizzas and you strictly had to be a Sagittarius to attend. But this time it’s different because of the guy I’ve loved so deeply… He made a big deal out of how no one ever did anything for his birthday and I got him several gifts, though all through the month because I couldn’t afford everything at once, then ended up splurging on a nice gift just before his birthday and got to spend his birthday with him. But to spend time with me any time during the weekend before my birthday (which falls on a Monday), it’s just a stronger maybe, a possibility. I’m sure he’ll never do what I asked of him ages ago, either, that he had promised to. He’d never take the time to do it now. I’m afraid he wants me out of his life all together. Like I’ve said before, he’s been the cool and popular guy and cool and popular people don’t want anything to do with fat and ugly people like me. There’s a counselor who comes in to one of the places I work every so often, or more like twice a week now because the current interns all see her, and I see her too. She can really irritate me but I don’t dislike her at all. She just pushes too much and often on things I don’t think are important. Well yesterday she asked about if I’ve had any other close friends like this guy in the past. And I’ve had some friends, but no, not that close. But later last night it hit me that yeah, I did have one REALLY true friend in jr high and high school. Our birthdays are two days apart, same year, and he was a REAL friend that would hold me and he’d always tell me that everything will be ok and work out for me in the future. I wasn’t ever in love with him but he was my best friend. Why does the guy I do love have to act like I’ve got the plague and scabies and can’t be touched? My old friend wasn’t afraid to hold me. No one knows where he is now. He’s not online, and I haven’t seen or heard from him in years. But I was wondering if after 20+ years, if he could still be as close of a friend. But probably not because most people get married and have kids. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to just have someone care about me and be there for me like that. But I know I’ll never feel loved or cared about ever again.
Several hours later….
So he’s out and about and I’m alone at work, I had invited him to stop by and see me if he wanted since he’s sorta in the area. I probably won’t see him but of course I’m hoping that I do. He says he’s working out at a park. Hmm.. Well, I know he’s obsessed with looks, including his own. I know he wants to be a skinny stick because that’s what he values because society values it. Yes, you got that right. It’s all about what society deems as acceptable. But anyway, god help me! I know how much hell I’ve been through, how much it hurts, and I still can’t help but think he’s the hottest, most gorgeous and sexiest man alive. Sometimes I don’t know what it is but he does something to me no other man can do. I don’t think he has to lose weight. I could lick him from head to toe. God damn he’s so hot. Being that much of a god is probably a curse on the world rather than a gift. He was probably put here to torture me. Every cell in my body screams for him. God help me…. *headdesk*
17 comments
I’m sorry! I hope your birthday goes well! I am also a Sagittarius! And you don’t know the future, perhaps you will find better friends who really love you! I’m sorry about you past experiences, but you can’t let those define you.
Sorry if that was kinda cheesy.
You were buying him presents when you hardly had two knickles to rub together? Oh, hon, you really have a generous, forgiving nature. There just aren’t many people like you. Which makes me think if you find your HS friend he will remember you and want to talk to you!
Five years ago I read an article about a woman in the hospitality biz and it turned out the be my exGF from 1979! When I passed thru town we caught up on old times. Maybe you can find your HS friend. That would be a blast. Use your google-fu and see what you get.
It’s generally a good idea to try to keep up with those old friends even if your lives have diverged. Being reminded of better times when you were younger or even worse times you survived is usually a good thing.
So happy birthday, Disgusting! Congratulations on surviving another year even though things have been pretty hard on you. I know you don’t feel loved or cared about, but there are quite a few people on SP, including me, that think you are good person.
Everybody sing!
Haaaaaappy beeeeeuuuuurthday toooo yoooo…
You could try tracking him down and find out. Trying to make some closer friends is probably a really good idea. Not being close to as many people probably meant you loved and relied on that guy more. I think that happened to me in my last relationship.
I know you see appearances as being really important in society, and I realise they are to some people. But things shouldn’t be that black and white, especially once you’re out of high school. I don’t want to insult him but his behaviour is completely shallow, and in some ways really immature and quite selfish. Being around people who act that way will reinforce all the negative things you expect from people to do with rejection and being judged on your looks.
I’m really sorry about your birthdays. I used to try to avoid any birthday celebrations but they seem now like something that should be celebrated by the people around you. I hope it isn’t the worst you’ve had. Don’t worry, your favourite Aquarius will be here to celebrate (I know, I’m kidding – but I did add it to my list of dates to not forget).
My idea of a fabulous birthday is disappearing for the day and “forgetting” my phone. But these fucking people I live with keep finding me every year with cake and wacky hats.
CURSES!
The cake was the only part I was okay with, haha.
I wish I had some place to go by myself, not that I want to be without him, just, if I can’t be with him, I’d rather not be around anyone at all.
I have tried to find my old friend. I can’t come up with anything and I’m pretty good at finding people. His name only turns up, well, stuff about a singer, because he has a famous name but in reverse. Knowing his middle name and birthdate doesn’t help. There is a young guy who has his name in Chicago. He’s cute too! Damn! LOL But nope, that’s not my old friend. My old friend -looks like- Devon Sawa when he was younger and cute. lol Though I don’t know what he’d look like right now, if he’s any different. Don’t even know if he’s alive.
And yes, I have done everything in the world to show the guy I love that he is loved and cared for, but I don’t think he’s taken anything I’ve done as a sign that he’s valued. 🙁
Let me start by saying “Happy Birthday”. And you don’t know me from a hole in the ground, but I truly hope you have a better birthday this year.
True Story: When I was 16 my cousin was sent to live in foster care. I won’t get into the details of the events that caused it suffice to say he is my soul mate. He is my mirror. I spent 30 years trying to find him. On and off, online, through family, no one would give me information. I heard through the rumor mill he was an addict, suicidal, etc. I was told to stop looking for him, he was bad for me etc. *fill in the awful blanks family state to people when they don’t want you to do something*.
I never stopped looking.
December 2015 three days after Christmas he found me. He had changed his last name and he was a little older but he is still my mirror. He has spent the last 30 years trying to find me as well, and he is still my mirror.
I hope you are able to find him. He may be looking for you too.
V. cool story. Maybe December 2014 not 2015? Do you live near each other? That’s like a seriously happy story. Maybe you should post that.
December 2014. Sorry. He told he had a dream around Christmas of that month and I was in a plane with him flying and he could only see the back of my head but knew it was me. He stated he was simply determined to finally find me.
That kind of devotion, I can’t describe how it feels, except it just drops a load of napalm on my lap. Someone that devoted looking for me for 30 years. Who does that?
He is married, has children, a very good life. We are mirrors of each other and marvel about how each of us followed the same path step by step. Yes it is a very happy story.
Three days after Christmas in December 2015? Was the future awesome? 😛
Oh that’s beautiful AND a christmassy story. Golden!!! So nice, makes me smile.
Awww, I was too slow. I’m not from the future, so it takes me a bit to catch up sometimes.
God bless us…every fuck one.
I think all that love and care was given to the wrong person. There will be someone out there who’ll appreciate it like they should. I really hope that life gives you a bit of luck and you’ll find your old friend one of these days.
You my dear are a real gem. Buying your boyfriend gifts while you can barely take care of yourself? that’s what true selflessness looks like.
You say you are ugly and fat- yet all I see is a stunning young woman who gives until her heart bursts.
I had a best friend from elementary school- I still believe, to this day, that he was and is my other half. I looked for him for six years, and I finally found him. He lives much too far away for my liking, but now I know he is happy and that he still misses me after lo’ these many years.
I think that you should continue your search. Finding someone who deems you beautiful and treats you as you deserve to be treated is worth searching for.
And know that I care about you. I can feel your hurt, and I wish with all my heart I could take it from you. I hope your birthday turns out better than you think 🙂 *Hugs*
I wish he was my boyfriend, but he’s not. I’m sure my old friend must be with somebody. My old friend, as I remember, wasn’t much taller than me, maybe like 5’7″, average size/weight. But he was always cute enough to have a girlfriend. The girl he dated off and on and much of the time through jr high and high school hasn’t seen or heard from him either. We were all friends. We were the outcasts of our school. We skipped gym class and played our Guns N Roses tapes on full blast. As bad as my childhood was, sadly, those were better days. I may have never been wanted or loved at home and gotten beaten up by bullies a lot, but still, it was so much easier then.