Today is my parents’ 19th wedding anniversary. They have been together for 35 years. High school sweethearts. Yes… They’ve had their fair share of ups and downs, especially this year. At a certain point, I wanted their marriage to end because I felt it had become toxic. They pulled through. They found a way to make it work.
As for me, I don’t see myself married. I doubt I’ll ever find someone who will understand me. Sometimes it’s hard to even understand myself. Marriage… Children… That will be just another reason to keep me on this earth longer than I want to.
I’m scared of getting hurt. Hence, I don’t date. It’s hard for me to open up. It’s hard for me to put myself out there and lay my heart on the line. My anxiety prevents me from experiencing life to the fullest. I just can’t. My heart tells me I like someone, and my head screams that I will get hurt, so I keep away. I’m scared of rejection. I’m bisexual, with no experience with neither sex.
I have told myself and come to accept that I will never love anyone other than my family. Nor will I ever open my heart for anyone. I’m not sure I know what love is, other than the love I feel for my family.
I highly doubt anyone will come sweep me off my feet. I doubt anyone will ever break this fence I’ve built around my heart. I doubt I will ever fall in love.
Happy Anniversary Mama le Papa.
Ek is baie lief vir jou.
4 comments
All i can say is: you never know. Those things sort of… just happen. We kinda not choose if someone sweeps us off our feet, but we are able to choose to be careful about… and that’s likely the important part i guess. Congrats on your parents anniversary too, that’s a lot of time, and it’s remarkable that they worked out their differences, so kudos to them.
The problem here is me. Even if someone comes along and tries to sweep me off my feet, I’m never willing to be swept off. My head just says why? What’s the point? It will end anyway. So I just don’t, to spare me and the guy/girl some pain.
I have always felt this way and I’ve accepted this about myself.
I completely get that, since i’ve been (and i still am) there. We’re all different but… i still sort of think “you never know” is a good approach to almost anything in life, lol. Whenever we make plans or set boundaries in our life it seems like someone somewhere hears it and gets paid to break them down one way or another, lol. It’s kinda ironic that i’m writing this to someone now since more than ever i feel that exact same way (not willing to open up), but i guess it’s easier to see hope on other people’s situations than in your own.
The “You never know” approach seems more appropriate.
Funny you say that. I met someone this year. First person I think I ever got along with so well. Into the same stuff I am, understands my weirdness. If only he knew just how close he was at making me break the pact I’d made with myself. School year came to an end and forced the “friendship” to an end. He is the first person who was close to breaking the wall I’ve built around myself. I’m over that now tho…