Idk

Hi. I’m french, so sorry if I make a lot of mistakes.

I don’t think that I want to end my life. I can’t say that I really hold to her, but idk.

But I hate my life, I always hated her. I hate my personality, I hate to be so irritable and so stupid. I play with my life, I’m the kind of persons who always think to do something, but never act. Then I always regret that, but I don’t do anything to change. I act as if I don’t care about what peoples think of me, but finally I need the approval of others. Even if I know it’s not important. I want to be myself, and at the same time I want to be what people want. I’m always blaming myself to not being what I want to. I’m so irritable, I feel angry every time that something don’t work as my wish/somebody don’t act as I would like. And I blamed people, then I put myself in bad situations, I get angry (sometime definitely) my friends, my family. And I really regret after that, but it’s too late. I can’t control myself. As if I wanted to feel bad.

I don’t have the baddest life ever at all. I’m 16, and I can’t remember one moment of my family was really “happy”. My father is always angry, he always blame others. I feel oppressed. I’m not really good at school. Not so bad, but not good. I don’t work enough but i’m unable to motivate myself. Even if I know that I need to. It’s as if I was waiting that things go wrong. Always that, in every situation. I wait. And things go wrong. Then I regret, I feel bad, but I don’t change my attitude. And it start, again and again. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I never had. I’m too weird maybe ? I don’t fit to the stereotypes : not pretty, a little fat, not funny, I don’t like music/fashion of the others. I’m not like the cliché of the 16 years old girl. I’m not the only one, I know, but that’s not the problem. Even if I still have friends, i feel like I can’t really be myself, they will not understand. It’s so frustrating. I have a boyfriend, that I really love, but I sometimes think that he can’t understand me too. I’m really scared to loose my friends. I’m scared to be alone. Maybe because I have been without friends during a lot of times, I never really had friends. People don’t like me. Some people were so offensive, I didn’t understand what was happening to me (8 to 10 years old, and after…). It break me a little. Know things go better, but I feel a lot of time as things go as before.

I always feel like things will go wrong. Everything I do will go wrong. I can’t continu to feel like that. I’m destroying myself. And a lot of time since my 10 years old, I think that people could live so much better without me. I’m not important. Finally they will remember a better me if I die. I don’t think that there is something after die. Then if I die, it’s just the end of problems. I don’t care and will not care about what I will not do if I die, because I will not be conscious of that. Maybe that dying is the solutions ?

I’m not clear, but that’s it.