Just putting my feelings out there..

It’s sad.

I feel sad.

These last 4 days (counting today) have been so tiring. I’ve been so emotionally drained it’s ridiculous.

And it’s all because of a guy.

A guy that doesn’t even know my name.

And the worst is, I don’t even think he wants to know.

I know his; I know what grade he’s in; what lunch rotations he has, yet he knows nothing about me.

What I’m questioning is why I can’t seem to let it all go.

I want to let it go but it feels like as if there’s nothing I’m holding on to.

I like him. I do. But he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t know how to explain him. He’s like someone kind of carefree in a way; he’s so outgoing and social and he can literally talk to anybody. He’s like a clown, like a goofball I guess. He’s just social and everyone likes him, you could say.

He’s cute, I admit. My friend says he’s narcissistic and I guess I believe her.

So, for a while I thought he was really cute to the point he became kind of like a side crush (I have feelings for someone else too..) and I wanted to know his last name so since my friend rides his bus, she said she would ask him. She couldn’t ride the bus that day so she asked her brother to ask him and after he said it was ‘Williams’, he told my friend’s brother to tell my friend to tell ‘her friend’ “she’s fine”. The friend he was referring to happened to be me; he said that because he thought my friend was asking for a friend which is true. Then he gave his number to my friend’s brother so she could give it to me. It’s all crazy and that made me feel so bad because he doesn’t know me and I’m so not pretty and I didn’t want to disappoint or anything. It hurt that it would be like this.

Then, I had asked my friend to ask for his Instagram and she said she would ask so Tuesday she skipped into his lunch and asked him for it; he said he doesn’t remember but he then gave her his Kik. My friend then gave it to me and I was feeling excited and nervous and scared all at once. So then I texted him on there saying it was my friend texting from my phone which in a way it was true. An hour passed and my friend started blowing up his phone and cursing him out. He didn’t read any of it until I got on the bus and when I got off was when he replied. He said “wanna fuck” and it was like my heart dropped and I was shocked. I waited some time to reply and since then it’s been crazy. Like, he doesn’t read the messages instantly and when he does read them, he takes forever to reply. Most of the times though, he doesn’t reply at all.

And that’s what upsets me.

Because every important guy in my life never replies.

And it breaks my heart because it makes me feel like I’m not worthy of a reply. Like I don’t matter. I know I’m annoying but that’s not the way to show it.

I know I’m not pretty and it kills because I think that’s the reason behind every time a guy leaves me on ‘read‘.

The worst part is, I’m he sure likes my friend. I keep telling her but she keeps saying he doesn’t, and although I want to believe her, deep down I know he does.

And that makes it even worse..

And I can’t help but to cry at all of this. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. It has been so hard on me and I can’t help but to feel stupid. For a second I had hoped we would become friends but look at where we are now. We’re not even acquaintances. He knows nothing about me. He hasn’t even bothered asking. He doesn’t care and for some reason, I care too much. 

I hoped everything would be okay and we would be friends and we could hang out but everything just came crashing down. I realized I had hoped too much too soon..

And that hurts.

*I apologize for this drama overload; I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s so hard and I wish I could just sleep for the rest of my life and never see or talk to anyone again.*